Quotes for Strength

Here are some quotes that I really like and they give me a little strength and uplifting when the world seems to be coming down on me.

"When we give thanks in all things, we see hardships and adversities in the context of the purpose of life... We are meant to learn and grow through opposition, through meeting our challenges, and through teaching others to do the same... the Lord will not only consecrate our afflictions for our gain, but He will use them to bless the lives of countless others."
--Dallin H. Oaks, "Give Thanks in All Things," Ensign, May 2003, 95

"As children of God we are somebody. He will build us, mold us, and magnify us if we will but hold our heads up, our arms out, and walk with him."
--Marvin J. Ashton, "In His Strength," Ensign, July 1973, 24

"Please don't nag yourself with thoughts of failure. Do not set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. Simply do what you can do, in the best way you know, and the Lord will accept of your effort."
--Gordon B. Hinckley, "Rise to the Stature of the Divine within You," Ensign, Nov. 1989, 94

Not wanting to

I feel I need to go ahead and post even though I don't want to. I am starting to notice a pattern in my posts for the past week and it has been mostly sad. Part of me feels bad that my posts have been so sad and I know that there are many that may come to my blog to get some inspiration and I don't feel here lately that I have much to give. We have hit the 3 months mark and Halloween is right around the corner. Up until now I didn't think Halloween was going to have much of an effect on me, but it is. The tears seem to be coming more easily and sadness has been enveloping me more often. The little things in life have seemed to be harder to deal with. So I post today just to have the record of it because eventually I would like to have it made into a journal and something I can look back on and sent down through the generations in my family if they so choose.

Somedays

Somedays I feel I have so much anger and sadness that I am screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. The screaming is in my head not something that I can let out. I know that if others really heard some of my deepest thoughts and let me scream it out maybe they wouldn't want to be around me. That is what is so hard, feeling there are many things you can't just let out or you just can't say. Dealing with the loss of Kamber has tried me to the very core. It is seeing what kind of a person I really am, how deep can I dig. I can feel the pressure somedays, how much can you take? Can you push through the burn? Like a personal trainer that works for ultimate torcher. Somedays are harder than others, but I always push through. I know I just have to cling to the gospel and the things that I know to be true.

Meeting With Angels

We know there are angels in heaven. Our family has one in our immediate family and we feel very lucky., but what about the angels on earth. There are many of them and some I have got to know personally and others I talk with through the Internet. I'm sure many of you may say you know angels on the earth also. You may say that it is your mom, grandma ,sister, or friend and I would agree with you, I have many related to me that I would consider angels on earth also.
I get the privilege of meeting with some angesl tonight, they will be in my home. The angels I am talking about are the moms on the Angel blog I am a part of. These moms would not consider themselves angels and they are some of the most humble people I know. They are angels, they continue to lift one another up as we all struggle with the loss of our angel children. They truck on in life even when they are hurting so much, they continue to raise their families, be a friend and serve others, whether it is in their callings at church or their friends. That counts to me to be an angel on earth. One of these angel moms flew down from Seattle to see her daughter that goes to ASU and another lives right here in Mesa also. I get to be among these great families today and enjoy each others company. I am thankful for these new friends in my life.

Front Doors

Here is the front of my house as you are walking up to it. Everything looks like life would be grand, right? Now concentrate on the door, does it tell you anything? What about when people look at your front door does it tell others anything about your life? Everything from the outside looks great!

In January of this year my husband Ethan just finished building us a beautiful home in which we were hoping to enjoy for a while and then sell to make a little bit of money. This is what Ethan does for a living. He really enjoys construction and runs two business that are really doing pretty well. We have been really blessed in that area, especially since the economy is yucky. So we moved in and from the outside things looked great and the family inside this house was the same. Little did we know that it would all change 7 months down the road. Now when I drive passed my house I think how perfect it looks from the outside and what others might think about the family inside. Maybe they think we have it all together, that life must be grand. I know I have thought that about other people's homes when I drive by. But if they only knew of the sadness behind that big front door. If they only knew of the sweet little girl named Kamber who used to live here. If they could have only met her one time there lives would be slightly changed for a moment because in Kambers eyes they would know how special she thought they were. If they could see through the front door they would see Kambers sisters struggling to understand why their sister is gone. They would see parents crying and trying to pick up the pieces and be strong to make it through. Those driving by don't see the good and sad memories behind the door.

As I look at other homes and concentrate on the front door I now wonder what the story is. What kind of trials is that family going through because we all are. Our lives may be perfect on the outside, but do we really know what is on the inside. I hope one day my outside can match my inside and I can be totally happy.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." Author Unknown
Mindi hope you don't mind me using your poem and Teri thanks for your thoughts about the doors, hope you don't mind:)

Better Morning

Well I hope I don't jinx myself but this morning I didn't wake up feeling the sick in the pit of my stomach. It was not a fun night though, maybe it just moved to bothering me in my sleep instead of the first thing in the morning. Regardless I made it through another night and it was nice not to wake up so sad. So, there is a little blessing in that I don't have to start off my day in a sober mood, I can have a little joy that I hope can build into lots more joy today as I spend time with my family. Life does go on after losing a child, but actually ever getting over it, well that will take this whole earth life. It won't matter anymore once I am with Kamber.
I thought of some things that one can do to help someone who is dealing with a loss of a loved one, especially a child:
_give them hugs, you don't even need to say anything at that point, actions speak louder than words.
_Pray for the ones suffering the loss. I can not express enough how much prayers really work, we definitely felt the power of prayer in a way we have never felt it before. PRAYERS REALLY DO HELP.
-At the beginning meals do help, though they might not get eaten right away, it is nice to have something to pull out at a later time.
-Be willing to ask how they are doing because saying nothing actually hurts more.
-Be willing to listen if the one suffering with the loss just need to talk about the loved one. Here again don't feel like you have to say something wonderful, just listen.
-Be patient. When dealing with a loss it is so easy to be air headed. I know this has got even worse for me. Man you'll never know how air headed I am and if you do have to encounter it then let me apologize in advance.
-Please understand if we cry on a whim and maybe just walk away or have to leave, it will mean the world if you just understand.
-Let us do service, in a funny way it can be healing. Babysitting someones kids is not the right type of service for someone who has lost a child, but bringing dinners or helping in other ways can help. Again try to understand if they just feel they can't do it, in time that will change.
-Please do not compare one loss to another's, it makes you feel that how you are feeling is not okay because in someone else eyes things could be worse. You need to morn regardless of how you lost your loved one.
-Know that saying "they are in a better place" doesn't always bring comfort. Yes it does at times, but other times that doesn't really matter because the loss hurts so bad. Saying "we are grateful for the gospel" is a lot easier to take.
- Be willing to share all memories you have of the loved one regardless if you think it isn't anything big, It just feels good to talk about the happy times of the loved one!

I'm sure I can think of other ways to help someone you love who is suffering a loss. These questions have been asked as I have been informed of others recently suffering loss. I hope these ideas help and hope those going through this difficult time feel the prayers of those praying for them. Love to All!

Sick Feeling

You know that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when something just scared the heck out of you? I seem to know that feeling all to well here lately. This whole week I have woke up with that feeling, the same feeling I felt this first morning after Kamber died. I don't know if I have been dreaming about her and they are sad dreams or if my body is just now realizing the gravity of what has really happened. I feel as though I might be moving out of the denial stage and really grasping the true reality of the situation. The feelings I have felt the past few months are unreal and at times very confusing. I know I have know all along that Kamber is really gone, but it is like my body hasn't. I hate the feeling I have in the morning, but as the day goes on and I have lots to do I go into survivor mode. I go through the day almost as if nothing has even happened, though I know in my mind life is different. This may sound confusing, but in my head it all makes sense. I don't know what to do or how to make it stop. Maybe it is just part of the grieving and there is nothing to make it stop,but just deal because there is nothing to change the outcome.

Questions of a Life Time

It seems this week I am having a harder time dealing with the loss of Kamber. I guess I just have to except it and try to move forward. I think it has been at least two weeks since I was struggling so bad, so I am making some progress. Ethan and I had a great time going to dinner last night and we had some good conversations. Of course we spoke about Kamber, there were
a lot of happy memories that made us laugh and smile. Some in depth questions came up about what is going on since her death. We talked about who will be there waiting for us when we die, if it were to be tomorrow? Well we know for sure KAMBER would be right there waiting, and family members that have died before. Then Ethan asked "Do you think your dad would be there even though he never met me?"
I said "Of course he would, he knows you are my husband and I'm sure he would want to be there." I'm sure he would hug Ethan and introduce himself and be so happy to finally get to spend time with him. Another question is "Do you think Kamber is in the spirit world or with Heavenly Father?" Well in the scriptures it says" Little children that die before the age of accountability go straight to their Heavenly Fathers presence and that is where they reside." What a comfort that is, she is already promised all the blessings of our Heavenly Father , she knows the beginning from the end, she gets the whole picture. We also talked about did we truly understand the sorrow, anguish, and tears that would occur when we said I will go down and take on this life even though these trials are so hard. Did I truly understand or was I so excited just to get a body so I could return to my Heavenly Father that I didn't care because at that time I understood eternity and that the earth life was not eternity. I wonder if I would do it all again if I could see the whole spectrum of things now. I would have to say yes, other wise I wouldn't be going through this now. Many times I wounder why won't Heavenly Father let us see her every once in a while when ever I want, just to hear how things are going. If he would allow that then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to have her gone, or would it? I have seen her and so has Ethan so I know Heavenly Father lets it happen, but times I wish it could be on my terms. I wish I could know what she is doing, does she miss us like we miss her?Oh I hope not I want her to be happy. These are all questions I will have to wait to get the answers on. Patience, Patience, Patience, some thing I am having to work on. Faith in every footstep is what helps us endure!

Happy Anniversary!

Today is Ethan and my anniversary! We have been married for 8 years and it has been great! Eight years really has flown by so fast, I guess that is what happens when you are having fun. Ethan is my best friend and I couldn't ask for a better husband. I never would have thought that in eight years we would already have 4 kids, especially 4 girls! Wow, life is pretty emotional around my house. Having 4 girls has been great and they love each other so much. Ethan is the perfect dad for girls, he loves to play with them and teach them new things. Our girls think their dad is the best and definitely the strongest.

We have had our trials in our eight years of being married, but who knew we would have to endure the worst thing a parent could ever imagine. Our hearts are torn that our beautiful Kamber is gone, but we are lucky enough to feel her presence with us each day. I am grateful that we can rely on each other through our hard times and good times, I think that is part of what makes our marriage so strong. I am thankful we are sealed in the temple for time and all eternity so we can be together as a family. What a beautiful thing Heavenly Father has done for us to allow us to be with our families forever! I love you Ethan more than you'll ever know!

I just Miss Kamber

I just miss this, what is in this picture. I was pregnant with Brookie in this picture and we were at the snow. This time together as a family was great! I miss having Kamber here and today is a Kamber moment. I don't have any inspiring words for myself or others today, I JUST MISS MY KAMBER!

Gratitude

I'm part of an blog that is dedicated to moms who have lost their children at a young age. I am very grateful to have wonderful women that I can confide in and they in me. It is a high price to pay to be a part of this club, but since we have no choice in the matter of having to endure this trial I am grateful to have them. This blog is private, but I would like to share a post given, which was a talk given by President Monson in 2005. I don't know how to set up links yet, so this is how you can enjoy this talk:
-lds.org
-where it says search type 2005 gratitude
-It is labled 2.Profound Power of Gratitude, given by
President Monson
-click and enjoy!
Much is to be learned from this about life, fit for anyone.

Answers

Do we really get answers to all our prayers? The answer is yes. I know there are times I pray and I feel nothing, is this that Heavenly Father is not listening. I have thought about that a lot, what does that mean? Here is an example: A morning not long ago I was really struggling with Kamber being gone, I went into her room and prayed. I wanted to feel her so bad and know she was happy and okay. I cried and begged but yet I felt nothing, I sat and thought for a bit and nothing. I felt alone and wondered why I had to feel nothing, why wasn't Heavenly Father allowing me to feel some sort of comfort? I stood up and started to walk away when I said to myself I already know she is okay and happy. I didn't really need my Heavenly Father to reassure me because I already knew, he let me rely on my faith. So yes he answered my prayer through faith.
Another experience is before Kamber was taken to the hospital by the ambulance Ethan and I went in our room and said a prayer. Ethan prayed that Kamber would be okay and that we would except it. Was there an answer to our prayer? Many might say no, because Kamber died now we have to go through life without her. Well, as horrible as it is to go through life without her and endure this horror there was still an answer. Kamber is okay, she is in our Heavenly Fathers arms, he was right there when she passed on and so where many family members who were waiting to see her. She wasn't alone and she was comforted and Heavenly Father has allowed her to comfort our family. Sometimes we have to know Heavenly Father knows what is best for us.It was his will that Kamber was taken to be with him. Maybe it was a huge blessing, who knows what might have happened if she were to stay. Maybe something horrible would have happened, or maybe she was taken because she learned all she needed to on earth and she would always continue to have a huge impact on others. I know many have been touched by our experience and my family truly continues to feel her, she is not gone and I know never will be.
Heavenly Father always answers our prayers and sometimes it is in a way that we don't like or understand or on the time frame that we want, but remember it is his will and he knows what's best. It doesn't mean you have to always be happy about it and you might struggle with the answers like I have, but deep down we know we have to rely in our faith and try to understand it the best we can. All will be revealed in do time and when it is best for us.
Love to all and hope this helps those who may be struggling with similar questions. These are my thoughts and feelings.

Another First

Well I hit another first, I put Brookie in the crib in Kambers room last night. Let me explain why this is so hard. After loosing Kamber and at a young age it has made me worry a lot because now I really know that I have no control over when anyone is taken from this earth. I always tried to keep my girls safe and was almost paranoid about their safety. I never thought if anything happened to them it wouldn't be on my watch or at my home. Well it can happen on any ones watch no matter how safe you are. I have been so worried that I will have to live the same fate that I have with Kamber, but with another one of my girls and in a different way. I have worried what if tonight is Brookies last night and I didn't hold her enough or I didn't spend that last night with her by my side next to my bed where I could be there right away or sense something was wrong. I check on my girls often through the night just to make sure they are still breathing. Last night I decided I'm not letting the paranoia consume me for tonight. I laid Brookie down in Kambers crib and soon she was fast asleep. She just looked so comfy in a bed she can roll around in. I made in through the night, I have to admit that I did check on her a couple of times, but that is okay it just validated that she was okay and eventually I won't worry so much.
I know some people expect us to be over the loss of Kamber and would think we would just move on that there is nothing we can do about it. Yes, there is nothing we can do about it, but do you put a price on your child's head? This is something we will deal with for the rest of our lives and the first year is really hard with all the firsts that we have to do with out Kamber. Last night was one of those firsts. It was different walking in the room to get Brookie and not Kamber, this morning it was different to hear Brookie in there making noises and not Kamber yelling maama or daada! I was sad not to hear her voice, but I just laid there remembering the sound of her sweet voice and then just listened to the sweet voice of a sweet little girl who was really in the room. I will soon hear my name called by a little girl, the voice my be different be there is a similarity because they are sisters. One day I will hear the sweet voice of Kamber calling my name and it will be beautiful, for now I try to enjoy all the sweetness of my girls here with me.

Quiet House

I have spent more time at home the past couple of days and the house is so quiet. It is actually to quiet, especially when Brookie goes down for a nap. I use to look forward to quiet time when Kamber was still around, but now I almost dread that time. I continue to try and find things to keep me busy, but there is only so much cleaning you can handle in one day, so there are times I just sit and think. I try not to let my thoughts get to deep because that is when the flash backs and if only's start to creep back into my mind and they do nothing but upset me. I find I try to focus on the positive and the great times I had with Kamber. One of my favorite times was rocking Kamber to sleep for her nap time during the day. Dora was always on at 12:30, so I would put it on the t.v. in the family room and hold her with her inky and watch Dora till she would fall asleep. It wouldn't take long before she was out no matter how hard she would fight not falling asleep. I would just hold her a while longer and run my fingers threw her blond hair and kiss her soft cheeks. I loved the smell of her skin and to touch her sweet little toes, thinking how perfect she was and what a fun sweet little girls she is. I miss those times just getting to enjoy her in my arms because when she was awake I spent my time chasing after her and cleaning up messes.
So at times I am thankful for my quiet house and the thoughts and memories that I have of Kamber!

Run In Memory of Kamber

Here is some more info:
-10k run is 6.2 miles, it sounds worse than it is, just know you don't even have to run it, many people walk it.
-The run is on Thanksgiving morning, therefore feel free to eat more pie!
-There is an entry fee, if I remember right it is $18.
-I am going to find the pricing on shirts, let me know if any are interested in one.

I'm excited to do this run and more the merrier! Running is becoming very therapeutic for me. This morning I was angry that Kamber is gone. I was mad that I don't get to go in her room and hold her and that there is no longer" Go Diego Go" playing on the t.v. I feel tired of dealing with the sadness and having to endure. It is just not fair, so I went in on the treadmill and ran my heart out. The more angry I felt the faster I ran, it was good! I now feel better, ready to handle what I have to face today.
Thanks to all that are wanting to participate in memory of Kamber!

Run for Kamber

I'm sad to report that I will not be doing the mini-triathalon in Casa Grande on the 1st of November. My life is a little out of control and I need to get my priorities straight. My husband and I have been put into the Activities Chair in our ward. That's right we are in charge of the parties in our ward and yes it is crazy busy right now because it is just before the two biggest parties of the year. Therefore I have not been able to prepare myself the way I need to for the race. Frankly I have days that I don't even want to exercise or even function. We have been sick and there are just to many things going on that it just is not going to work.
I am still going to run the Turkey Trot! Those of you that don't know what it is, It is a 10k run! I have done it once before and I have to say I was not very fast but I did not stop the whole time and that was my goal. I really enjoyed it and I am looking forward to doing it this year! My run this year is in memory of Kamber and I feel I can do anything for my girls. Any that would like to participate come join the fun! You can run, walk, and even roller blade this event. I saw lots of people doing a little of everything, they even brought their kids along. So come with me if you would like! I am thinking of having shirts made but for now it is just a thought. Hope to see you there and enjoy a run in memory of a sweet girl who loved everyone.

3 to 6 months

The first 3 to 6 months after a loved one passes away those that are mourning are in a state of denial. At least that I what I have heard, and I have to say for me it is partly true. I do find myself walking around wondering if this is really how it is going to be for the rest of my life here on earth. It is like my brain just can't fathom that Kamber really isn't here and won't ever be here for the rest of my earth life. I just doesn't seem possible that this is really true. These thoughts and feelings are so weird to experience. I have noticed since Kamber died that my brain is total mush. I was an airhead before, but man am I one now. I sure you all can tell by the quirky things I say in my posts and my spelling from time to time. It seems that even the simple things are so hard for me to do now. I have so many good intentions and ideas and I just can't focus on them long enough to get them done. Thank goodness I have family that is so understanding of my airhead things I do.
So am I in denial or is it that I just don't feel that Kamber is that far away? I feel as though she never left, even though we don't see her or hear her we can still feel her sweet spirit here with us. There are times I feel her a little more distant, but never to far that I feel she is completely gone. Maybe this is Heavenly Fathers way of helping us cope with her loss and showing us he never leaves us alone. It is a pure love he gives us and I am grateful he allows us to still feel our sweet Kamber with us always.

I Don't Know Everything But I Know Enough

I am grateful for testimony meeting in our ward today. The spirit was so strong and I knew the things that were being said were true. A girl spoke about a talk given during conference that was titled "I Don't Know Everything But I Know Enough." This talk touched my heart also. I really don't know everything, but I feel I do know enough to know this gospel is true. I know my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, and that I am a daughter of God. I'm thankful for thy son Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me. I am grateful for the prophet of our church Pres. Monson that leads and guides our church under the direction of Christ. I'm grateful for temples and that I am sealed to my family. I'm grateful for eternal families and knowing we will be together as a family for eternity. I'm grateful for the scriptures and the many things that can be learned from them. I'm grateful for the power of prayer and priesthood blessings. I'm grateful for these things and blessings in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Biker Chick?

Well, today we have rented a Harley for our brother in laws b-day. This was something Candi wanted to do for a surprise for her husband BJ. I have to say I was terrified of getting on a motorcycle, but I am having so much fun. Our bike looks a little bit like a crotch rocket and I love getting to have my arms wrapped around Ethan and holding tight. This also is parallel to my life, Ethan is my anchor and I hold tight to him to feel comfort and love. He is a rock and I am so grateful I have him to help me see the blessings and beauty of life even after Kamber has passed. When I think I can't go on he is right there to pick me back up. Our girls are so lucky to have him as a dad, and they think he is a superhero. Ethan once said as a joke to the girls "would you ever want another dad or is daddy lots of fun?" Kylie responded " Then I wouldn't have the strongest dad in the world." Ethan loves his family especially his little girls. If you ever saw Ethan with Kamber you would know the true love there is between them. There is something special about a Father and his girls. We are thankful for Ethan and I know Kamber can't wait to hold tight to her daddy again!
Happy Birthday BJ!

Learning

Since Kamber has passed away I am learning new things. I am finding who I am, I feel I some what knew myself before, but it has changed since this challenge has change me. I have always tried to live my life to be Christ like. I feel now I strive even harder to be that way and treat others the way I would like to be treated. I have also learned to speak up for myself and not let others walk all over me. I find myself wanting to learn all I can about life and the gospel. I am trying to learn how to be more of a missionary and let others see what a blessing it is to have christ be a part of our life. I try to do things that let me walk along side of Kamber and her mission beyond the veil, I know I will make mistakes along the way and hope others will forgive me. I am starting to see the big picture in life and realize the importance of our earth life and how important it is to prove ourselves worthy of making it back to our Heavenly Father. I now have a special child waiting for me and our family.
Along with learning about myself I am learning to do new things. I have learned to make burp cloths, patch work blankets, personalize baby clothing, and more. Also I am learning how to be more thrifty do to the economy, thanks to my mother and sister in law that find great smokin' deals, they really know how to shop and make their dollar stretch. I really enjoy my time with them.These things I have learned help bring some happiness to my life. I am finding I want to soak up all I can. All kinds of learning can come from hard things and I feel that is a gift that Heavenly Father gives us. We as a family have made a huge sacrifice and we are enduring a great amount of sorrow and pain, but Heavenly Father gives help with tender mercies to ease our sadness and I am thankful for it. I love my Father in Heaven and my family and thankful for each one of our tender mercies.
Happy Birthday to Trent and Troy my cutie newphews!

Thanks!

Thanks for the comments yesterday and showing you care. I know it may be hard at times to read my posts, but thanks for stinking in there with me. Some days are really hard and others I have pure joy and it is much easier excepting what has happened. I have to say I have more days of happiness than I do sadness, but there are days that the pain seems as intense as the day Kamber past away. No matter what, my faith in Christ does not move, I stand strong in the knowledge of the gospel and knowing one day I will be with Kamber and my family for all eternity! Most days I can choose to be happy even when I feel sadness coming on and other days I just need to feel the pain, it helps to let it all out. Even though yesterday I felt the pain and had sadness in my heart I am still able to function and maybe if you saw me you wouldn't even know I was hurting. I choose to do my crying when I am alone and can fall to my knees and pray, this does help. Maybe you can see the roller coaster that grief does to a person, you don't move from one stage to the other, you are actually up and down, up and down. Usually when you think you are okay is when you are slammed down again. I'm sure there are many who have had to go through grief and understand what I am saying. Today I am feeling better, not totally out of the woods, but a lot better. Thank goodness for my girls and my husband, they definitely bring so much joy to my life!

Empty Room

As I was putting my girls to bed I walked past Kambers room. I still have not put Brookie there, but feel I soon will. I looked into her room and just stared at her bed with no child in it. A sweet little girl with beautiful blond hair should be in there sound asleep, but it is empty. I just looked on remembering what she looked like as I would watch her sleep snuggled with her blanket. I loved checking on her each night. I would kiss her and tell her how much I loved her even though she was fast asleep. Do you know what it is like to look into an empty room where your child once played and laid her sweet head down to sleep? Do you understand the pain that it causes a mom not to hold their child anymore? What about the thought that the last kiss you gave your child you had to walk away knowing you will not get to do that again for a long time? These were my thoughts last night, does anyone truly understand how much it really does hurt? The answer is no, not till you have been there. What about when your children that are still alive and they are sad about their sister that can't come back no matter how much they want her to, watching their tears and knowing there is nothing you can say to change the outcome. I do the best I can and hold them and reassure them that daddy and I love them and the Kamber loves them. They will get to be with her again, but it is hard to explain why it has to be a long time.
These are my thoughts, these are my feelings. Does anyone really understand? YES, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ totally understand, moms that lose their children totally understand. I am grateful for family and friends that stand by my side trying to ease the pain and I have to say they definitely help. There is no way I could make it through with out them. I know I can't be there for them the way I would like and that things are a little different, but through it all they are so understanding. Thanks to all of you for just being by my side even though you don't understand all the true emotions of how I really feel. Thanks for not turning and walking away.

Fine Line Between Love and Hate

Last Night I took Brookie to the doctor. She has been so fussy and didn't seem to be feeling well. There was a mother standing with her little boy in her arms. I'm guessing he was around
2 1/2 to 3 years old. He had blond longer hair and he just held on to his mom. Brookie was sleeping in her car seat as I watched this mom hold and care for her little boy. This brought back a memory of one of the last times I brought Kamber to the doctor in the evening. She had a fever and was so sick, I held her in my arms snuggling her and loving her in hopes she would feel better. As soon as she saw other kids she wanted to play with them and show off for the crowd. She tried and then soon she would come back to me wanting me to hold her. I was so sad she was so miserable, but I kind of liked the fact that I had that time that she wanted only me and needed me. After we left the doctors office we went to the pharmacy and waited for the medicine
to be done. We found a vibrating chair that was out to try and we took turns sitting in it. Kamber thought this chair was so neat.
Though I'm glad that Kamber no longer has to go through hard times and be sick I miss my one on one time with her. I notice that any child her age reminds me of her. At times a sadness envelops me and I think I can not stand this any longer. I have always been taught not to use the word HATE, but I feel that word perfectly describes how I feel about Kamber being gone. I HATE that I can't hold her and have her physically here, but I LOVE that I know she is with my Heavenly Father and others that love her. I LOVE knowing I will get to see her again, raise her and that we will be together and a family for eternity. There is a fine line between love and hate, I can HATE the situation and LOVE the blessings. I think it is what you do between the line that makes all the difference.

Our Hands

The day that we dressed Kamber at the mortuary Ethan and I went down 2 hours before our family came. We wanted to be with Kamber for a while on our own and to do somethings very special with her to have a sweet memory. We had a hand molding done of Ethan and I holding Kambers hand. This was another sweet moment to have with our beautiful daughter. We wanted to hold on to one of the last moments we would have to hold our little Kambers hand. What a blessing it is to have this molding and knowing that this is truly her hand. There will come a day that we together get to hold Kambers hand again and it will fit so perfect as it did that day. We were so excited to receive it, but at the same time it brought back an out pouring of emotions for the next couple of days feeling the loss of Kamber. Just when you think you might have your emotions under control it is amazing how little things can slam you to the ground again. I love this molding and I will forever cherish it, thanks to Deanne for this wonderful gift.
The plaque says :

In Loving Memory of

Kamberlie Ann Larsen

February 10, 2006- July 25, 2008

" A parent holds their child's hand for a short while

but their heart forever."

Ethans hand is on the right with Kamber holding his index finger, mine is on the left holding part of Kambers hand, and Kambers hand is in the middle.

Joy in the Journey!

Today is another day of confrence! President Monson spoke of change in our lives. I love hearing him talk and his words are always so comforting and sweet. He taught no matter the change in life try to take joy in the journey. My eyes teared up, that comment is so true. Losing Kamber has absolutely ripped our hearts out and breathing even seems difficult, but we do need to find joy in the journey. Life goes on and we know with out a shadow of a doubt that we will be together as a family again. So that said we need to find joy in our journey so there are no regrets, live in the moment, live in a way that we are ready to see our Heavenly Father and that we won't be sad that we didn't just enjoy each other while we were here on earth. I'm so grateful to have the gospel in my life. I'm thankful for thy son Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me. I'm thankful for prophets today lead by our Heavenly Father. I love my family and thankful that no matter what happens we will always try to find joy in the journey!

Confrence

Conference is this weekend and I am so happy! I enjoy watching conference, but this time I am excited. I have been so eager to hear what our prophet and leaders have to say and what inspirations I get to learn from. The sessions today were great and I particularly loved Worthlin and Holland's talk. Laugh at adversity and endure, Angels are at our side, Christ never leaves us alone were these sweet men's subjects. I felt the spirit so strong and thankful for guidance given throughout this day. I am grateful for today and excited for what tomorrow brings!

Blessings

So many blessings come from hard trials. Some blessings we have to look for and others are right in front of our face. This has rung so true for our little family. Is it fair that I have lost one of my sweet little girls and others do not have to lose one of their children? NO, but is it fair that I have had beautiful blessings and wonderful spiritual experiences that others may never get to experience? If we as a family wouldn't have had to go through this trial then we may not have had the opportunity to experience the tender mercies in our lives. It is still hard for me at times to see other kids Kambers age playing and getting to run into their mothers arms and give them a hug. I miss these experiences with my Kamber. I just have to wait a little longer for my hug and kisses, I take that back I feel her love everyday and I think the day that I get to hug and kiss her and feel her little body in my arms it may be even more wonderful that it did here on earth. For today I can smile thinking about it and rejoice in it.
Thanks for the memories and please continue to send any memories!

Kamber

Memories

We as a family have so many memories of Kamber. Even though we only had her for short 2 1/2 years there are so many special memories we have of her. She was vibrant and full of life. She could put a smile on my face whether I was sad or mad. She had the sweetest voice to match her fun personality. Life was so incredibly fun with her here, there was a lot of action taking place in our home. One of my favorite memories of Kamber was Ethan teaching her to do the animal sound. She loved to do it and we loved to hear it, I wish I had a tape of her doing these sounds, it would always make us laugh. When Ethan would have her do the sound of the piggy, she would snort so hard you would think her nose would hurt, but she would do it over and over just to see us laugh. Words can't even describe how much I miss having her here. What I wouldn't give just to hug her one more time. Now all my hugs I have to leave to my Heavenly Father and family members who have passed before. I know they let her know of my love for her and I know she can feel it to. I have felt her comfort many times and know those are hugs from her.
I feel that Kamber comes and visits Brookie often. I put Brookie right in front of one of the pictures we have of Kamber and she just laughed and touched the picture, she almost looked as if she was trying to talk. She would look at Kamber, smile, laugh, look at me and smile and then back at Kamber grabbing at the picture. I know Brookie knows who Kamber is and probably knows her better than me. Like I have said in a earlier post" Little Children are so Special. "
I would like to ask a favor of you. If you have any memories of Kamber please write about them for me. You are welcome to post them as a comment on the blog or email them to me at: kampers2@gmail.com Notice the email is not spelled Kamber the "b" is replaced by a "p". The name Kamper was Kambers nickname. Thanks!

If any of you know how to get photobucket slide shows on to the blog please let me know, I can't figure it out! Thanks

Overwelmed

I just recently had another scare of a lifetime, something that could have changed my life dramatically. Everything is okay, but what a reality check. I feel almost out of body here lately, like my life is not really my life. I have been keeping myself busy trying to tend to my family, do my church calling, comfort others that need it, and set boundaries with others that cause absolute chaos in my life. We as people often wonder are we doing enough? I now think there comes a time when you can do to much. Life can get so out of whack and next thing you know things can get swiped right out from under you. I feel I now need to learn how not to spread myself so thin that I can't even think straight and not to feel guilt when I can't be right there for another person. I also need to remind myself constantly "One Day at a Time." I know many people are struggling with life because of the times. Take it one day at a time don't feel guilty if you don't get to everything you thought you should have that day. Don't feel guilty if you couldn't be by someones side right when you thought they needed it. Every thing in moderation, that is what we in the church are taught. I think that can apply to ourselves also. Don't do so much that you forget who you are and it might take something dramatic to wake you up. Charity is the pure love of Christ. I know you will draw closer to him through charity, just remember Heavenly Father only asks you to do what you can and he'll make up for the rest. You will know deep in your heart if your doing all you can and if you are being reasonable about it. Put faith in yourself!
Remember my post are things I try to teach myself and things I need to hear. I hope my posts don't ever offend those that read.

Little One

Many of you know one of my best friends Valerie McNeil. She finally had her baby boy on Monday early morning. I'm so happy for her and her family, she was definitely ready to have her baby. The last month of pregnancy I think is pure torcher. We went as a family yesterday to see the sweet little one sent to a wonderful family. Baby boy looks good and mom looks great! The McNeil should be so proud of such a cutie!
I couldn't help but think of this sweet child just sent from heaven. He just left our Heavenly Fathers presence. It brings tears to my eyes to really think deep and hard about that consept. Just hours before he was there with Heavenly Father saying goodbye to all his friends and family. Birth of a little child is absolutely a beautiful thing. I guess before I just took it for granted, but now I feel I have a deeper connection to what really happens. Kamber is there, the same place these spirits are leaving to go through the trial of life. This little boy came straight from the same place my sweet girl is. In some ways this is so sweet and in other way it hurts a little. The selfish side of me wants me little girl here regardless of the neat things she is experiencing. It also gives some comfort to know Kamber is with her other siblings waiting to come to earth to be with us. Part of me wants to say she is with her brothers, but with our pattern I could be totally wrong. Regardless she is their with them, teaching them wonderful things and hopefully telling them good things about us to.
I'm thankful for sweet little children and their Christ like personalities. I thankful for a Heavenly Father that trusts us to raise some of his most choice children. I know the McNeils will do a great job raising their choice children in a way that Heavenly Fathers is pleased. Congrats guys on your sweet new baby boy!

We're Back!

I think going out of town is one of the harder things I have had to do since Kamber passed away. I pretty much freaked out just before we where leaving. I just couldn't handle the thought that Kamber was not going with us. We absolutely love going on vacations with her. It brought back so many memories of the last vacation we had as a whole family. I remember looking in the back seat with Kambers eyes fixed on the movie Go Diego Go. She watched the movie the whole time up to the cabin and the whole way back singing the songs. Ethan and I would just laugh and think she was the cutest thing we ever did see. It really bothered me to know we wouldn't get to see that this time and that we wouldn't get to hear her sweet voice from the back. This feeling was so gut wrenching. Needless to say we had a great time and we did think of Kamber often. Our girls were happy to just play and enjoy each other. It was fun to spend time with family and friends not having to worry about what was going on in our life. I'm glad to be home, but it is another reminder of what is lost. I'm sure life will continue to be this way for a long time to come.

Going out of Town

We are attempting to go on our first trip out of town. I agreed to it not thinking anything of it. Well the human body is amazing. I have had anxiety like you would not believe. It is really hard on me to pack since this is exactly the thing I was doing the day Kamber passed away. It all seems too real and my body is definitely recognizing it. My mind keeps telling me that last time I was going through this motion it made for a bad outcome. I know this is something I need to fight through or we will never go anywhere. My emotions are raw knowing Kamber should be with us and she is not. This is a moment it just does not seem fair. Kamber loved going on family vacations and she is part of what made them so much fun! My heart is so torn, this means a lot to my family especially my girls to take them and enjoy life, but on the other side my heart is breaking knowing we are missing one. Anyways, off we go and I know all will be okay, life has to go on, if not for me, for my girls and that is what keeps me going.

Strength

Thanks for the comments yesterday. One sweet lady said in her comment about how many say they are amazed by my strength and then she says" I bet you don't think you have strength, do you?" I would like to answer this question. Many do say that I have much strength,that they are amazed by my faith. What I write in my posts are truely how I am feeling and what I know to be true. It is not me being bigger than I am or what I would like to be. If you notice there are many times my posts start out about how sad I am and by the time I get half way through writing them I have a peace that comes over me that reminds me who I am what I am here for and reassures me of Heavenly Fathers plan. I don't feel it is my strength, but the strength of my kind Heavenly Father and a sweet angel child up in heaven. Faith does play a major factor in my survival. I have learned to do this from a young age since the time that my dad got sick and died. That all started when I was 7 yrs. old and my dad passed when I was 13. He was my best friend and he was taken, but I know it was best for him so he did not have to suffer anymore. Therefore, I learned to rely on my Savior at a very young age since I felt totally alone. Death of a loved one and hard trials can do one of two things to a person: It can make you miserable or make you a better person. I choose to try my best for it to make me a better person. I can easily see how it can make you miserable. It has done just that for some people in my life. I wish I could change their feelings but it is not for me to change.
So is it strength that I have? Maybe, but I like to call it surviving. I'm doing the best I can for myself and others. If my "strength" helps others come one step closer to their Heavenly Father, family and people they care about then it is worth it. Thanks for your comments and know that I do rely a lot on your strength to. Knowing others care helps me a lot. Alisha, I love the thought that 2 months down is really two months closer to the time I get to be with Kamber.
Lots of Love to everyone!

2 Months

Today marks 2 months since Kamber passed away. I some ways it feels like it has flown by and in others it feels like it has gone by so slow. My emotions are still all over the place. I never know how my day is going to go. I do feel that now I can deal with the feelings a little better. In some ways I feel that I'm in denial of it all. Many times I think, did this really happen? It seems as if she is just on a short vacation or just sleeping over at someones house and she'll be back. In some sense that feeling can be true because she is gone for just a short time in the eternal realm of things. She is on a wonderful vacation with the best company ever! I just wish the short while that Kamber is gone from us didn't feel like an eternity to me. This feels like it is something that I can't endure, a test that I'm going to fail miserably at. My sister in law Candi told me something great "Heavenly Father is not waiting in Heaven to hit you over the head when you come." That statement can be take in so many ways. Today I take it as: He is not going to be there to tell me "You cried to much, you should have reached out more, there were times you gave up, why didn't you do better?" Heavenly Father only expects us to do our best. We know when we are giving are all and he will pick up the rest. So today I'm thankful for Kamber and the lessons she has taught me and I will do my best not only for myself but for my family.

Exercise

Exercising is so good for the body, mind, and soul. I have signed up for a 3 month trial run at Fitness Works. Today I did a kickboxing class and once again it kicked my booty. I loved every minute of it! This definitely helped me to get out all the frustrations I had bottled up today. Instead of beating someone up today I just pretended to! j/k This class helped my mind to clear and to now focus on new matters for the day. I was able to accomplish the things I needed to with lots of energy. I'm thankful for a health body and I'm realizing it is a true miracle to be so healthy. Sorry again to have a late post. Have a great night everyone!

Kylie's Day!

I'm so sorry to all for not posting sooner. My day has been a bit crazy. It is Kylies B-day today and I wasn't planning on doing a party for her till Saturday because today is a school night but I found out today would be easier for a majority of the people invited to her celebration! I have run around getting last minute things done for my sweet 6 yr.old. Kylie has grown up so fast and is turning into a beautiful girl. We are proud of the sweetheart she is. I would say as of now she is the most like Kamber and they were the best of friends. She hasn't mentioned the loss of Kamber today and the fact that she isn't here to spend her birthday with her, but I pretty sure the subject will eventually come up because Kylie talks of Kamber often. I hope Kylie feels Kambers presence today and knows how much she loves her.
Last night Kylie said our prayer for our dinner. She loves when it is her turn and loves to pray for Kamber. Her prayer went something like this: Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for this day. Please bless Kamber that she will be safe and she won't get hurt anymore. Please let her know we love her and we want her here with us. Please keep her safe and don't let her get hurt because we love her. She repeated that phrase a couple of times then ended with: In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. She cares so much for her little sister, what a sweet prayer. My eyes teared up and my heart swelled thinking of the hurt that Kylie feels. If I could only mend the broken heart of my little girls. I am thankful for each one of them and for the new beautiful personalities they bring to our family. I hope they will each one know how much their dad and I love them and how grateful we are to have them in our family. This is my goal that they will know these things without a shadow of a doubt how we feel no matter what comes their way throughout life.
Happy Birthday Kylie we love you a million times over!

Evaluation

Losing a loved one I think definitely makes you evaluated your life. I feel you find who is really there for you because they care and who is there for you for themselves. I am finding I need positive people in my life because that is what I am striving for myself. I'm not perfect, but I can say it is something I work for everyday. I need to serve others, I need to be more uplifting, I need to be kind, and I need to be happy. These are things I need to be doing so I pose these questions : Are you trying to do service? Are you kind? Are you happy? Do you uplift others? Do others in your life uplift you? These are all questions I have asked myself. I have started filtering through my life and doing what is best for me and my family. Many might see it as selfish, but I see it as surviving. You might see yourself asking the same questions. I feel answering these questions in your own life can only change it for the better. The little things in life really don't matter , but the ones that influence your core beliefs and your being are worth fighting for. I feel this blog is one way for me to be uplifted and for me to strive and uplift others. If I can help one person today then it is worth it. I appreciate all the sweet comments and uplifting words. Thanks for helping me through this challenge you have just done your service and have uplift one person today :)

Torn

What do I do? I am torn to know what to do with Kambers room. This room was to be Brookies and Kamber was going to move into Kylies room once Brookie was big enough. Little did I know Kamber was going to be gone when Brookie was only 3 months. It was only going to be days before I was to make the room switch. Well Brookie is still in my room. I can't bring myself to moving Kambers stuff out and put Brookies things in. I don't know if I'm more afraid of the emotions that will arise if I go through Kambers things and pack them up or if it is that I feel like I'm replacing her. I know deep in my heart that I'm not replacing her with Brookie, but it is hard to think that I won't have a place to go and see all her things in her room up the way it was before. It is no longer just Kambers room, which it wasn't going to be that way anyways. I know Kamber would want me to let Brookie have her bed, play with her toys, and enjoy having her room. I guess I let my emotions get the best of me. It seems there is always a new struggle to arise and another part of my heart to be torn. I hope eventually I will get to the point that these things won't seem to matter much and I will be happy to let most parts of Kambers life to be shared with everyone.

" The New Normal"

Life is going on and at many times it just doesn't feel right. I guess it probably never really will and I think I would like it to stay that way. There is a new normal creeping into our family. I am finding myself getting some enjoyment out of life again. I can't believe I just said that, but it is true. I'm able to do things with my family and have a sense of happiness. I know that is how it should be and the way Kamber would want it to be. Before you have babies you wonder how in the world is this new baby going to fit in? How am I going to handle another kid? Once you have that little sweetheart you just do it. I seems different at first to have another one to take care of, but before you know it you are use to the new normal. Then you wonder how did I go on with life without having this little child? Well that is how it is when you lose a child. How do you go on after losing them? Well you do because you have to and eventually a new normal starts to rear it's head. As you can see it doesn't make things magically better. I still think of Kamber everyday and she is what I think of majority of the time. Tears still come often and bad days still knock me on my booty. But there are many times I can handle these moments better. I know there will come a day that the new normal will just seem normal. Till that day I'll just keep trucking along.

Thank Heaven For Little Girls

Here are pictures of Kamber and Brookie at about the same age. Kamber is in the swimming suit and Brookie is in the pink. Just before Brookie was born I was going through Kambers baby clothes to sort out what ones I would keep and what ones I would send away. While I was doing this I kept having a feeling that Kamber was my baby girl and she would always be my little one. Till now I didn't understand the feeling that I kept getting. I thought that it meant that Brookie was going to be a boy. I remember talking to me mother in law and telling her my feelings that Kamber was always going to be my little girl and that I was sure I was going to have a boy. I was later so confused because the ultrasound said I was having another girl. I let the feeling pass and have since gone on with my life. I'm so grateful to have Brookie and she has brought so much happiness to our family. I wouldn't trade her for a million boys. Ethan and I couldn't even figure out how we got pregnant with her since we weren't try for another child. Now we know Heavenly Father knew what was to come shortly after her birth. Kamber loved her little sister and was always anxious to help in any way. When Brookie was only a few months old Kamber got a hold to the girls scissors and tried cutting off Brookies nose. I caught her just in time, Brookie had just a little cut on her nose. I now can laugh at this story. What good friends these two little sweethearts are at such a young age. Kamber will always be my little girl and the rest of them are growing up to quickly. I never thought that the feeling that I had would be this outcome. Ethan and I can't wait to raise Kamber again with our family as a whole. Thank Heaven for little girls!

Trials

Everyone has trials in their life. Some trials are big and others are small, but it is something we all have to endure at on point or another. Some of the hardest ones I have had to conquer is when it has hit in my immediate family. These trials are enough to body slam you to the ground and leave you trying to catch your breath. Dang, trials can be so hard to endure. Lots of times we just want to run away or just hit something. I'm learning these feelings are okay to have. I want to share a small portion of President Monsons letter with you. He told us not to dwell on the "if only", these words are counterproductive. The words "if only", is something I think many of us run through our heads and this is a result of any trial you may be enduring. I can tell you first hand it doesn't help to think this way. Try to be positive as much as possible, with this thinking the spirit can serve you more readily. It's definitely ok to have your hard days and just cry it out, but try not to stay to long in this state of being. I promise things do get better, trials do pass. Look back on your life, you have always made it through and you always will.
This post is for all those who are stuggling right now and feel the weight of the world on them. I love you and know my prayers are with you. Lots of love I send your way!

One of Those Days

Well today was turning out to be One of Those Days of sadness. I have been moping a little.
I could feel myself wanting to avoid thoughts and pictures of Kamber. I have pictures of her up in my house and I would try so hard not to look up at them knowing the feelings they would bring. I'm tired of feeling the loss of her. It's wearing me down, at times my whole body feels so heavy like lead. I have to drag myself through each part of the day. But now there is a little ray of sunshine shinning through. I got on Kambers blog to do my post and read any comments from yesterday. The words of encouragement were very uplifting. The post that stuck out to me the most is from a girl that I don't know. I felt good to know that I help those that read this blog everyday. That I can give some encouragement to others and send a little ray of sunlight. Today this was done for me. The encouragement came from you, the readers. I feel that it is Kamber that helps me to know what to write each day, she is also my ray of sunlight. I couldn't make it without her.
Thanks to all those who are willing to post not knowing if your words will help. Alot of times it hurts more to say nothing than to say something maybe on a day that times are tough. You never know if it is your words that a person needs to hear.

Open Gate

I do a carpool with other families in my neighborhood for school. This was also part of my routine last year. This year we take turns dropping off and picking up, so I only have to do it once every three weeks. It is so nice to have a two week break till I have to go through the scuffle of rushing kids to school. Last year I had Kamber to take with me. Many times I would beg Ethan to wait around long enough in the morning so I wouldn't have to take Kamber. It was just easier not to have to take her. Towards the end of the school year my attitude changed. I was happy to take her with us. I would put her in her car seat and off we would go. On our way back home I would pull up to the back gate to our community and Kamber would say "Mama opeye gate." She would repeat it till I handed her the clicker. She loved opening the gate for me and I loved the way she said it. I would hand her the clicker and it would open, she would laugh and get so excited. Then I would let her get unbuckled and drive the car with me. I would let her do this because there is only 4 other houses in our whole community and no traffic in the morning. She loved helping drive the short distance to our home. This turned into a special time I had with just her and I. I looked forward to this each day. Well this year I should have Kamber and Brookie plus all the other kids in our carpool. We should be squished for space, but were not. I should have two little ones on my drive home and to take care of while the girls are at school. This will always be a special memory of mine, one I think of often especially the days I do the carpool.

Special Letter

A few weeks after Kamber passed away I was having an extremely hard time with all that has happened. This day I fell to my knees and prayed out loud crying to Heavenly Father. I was impressed to write a letter to President Monson. I second guessed myself, Did I really hear what I thought I heard. It came again, Write a letter. I was still so nervous, I thought "Do you realize what you are asking me to do? This is the prophet of the church, he is busy and there are many people in my situation, he's not going to want to hear from me." The words that I should write came flowing into my head. I went to the computer and started writing as tears flowed down my face. The letter sat on my desk for about 2 weeks, I was scared to send it out. I spoke to my bishop of what happened and he told me "Sometimes we don't understand why we are to do somethings, but we are lead by the spirit. It can be a little scary, but I know it is important to follow through." So I did and I sent the letter off. For the past week I have been anxious to see if he would respond. This morning I went to the mail box and there it was. Return address Salt Lake City directed to Mr. and Mrs. Ethan Larsen. My heart started pounding so hard and excitement over came my body. I can't believe he responded. I went home and Ethan and I read the letter together. A peace came over me and I could really feel his love for my family and I. He really does care about all the members of the church and I know he is called of God. What a neat experience for Ethan and I. Another way for us to feel the comforting arms of our Saviors love. I can't wait to show my girls the letter and they may see the love Heavenly Father and the prophet of the church has for our family. I am thankful for the gospel and for all the prophets of the church especially Joseph Smith. He restored the church to the earth and I'm forever grateful for that.

4th of July

Hi this Tayler. I wanted to tell you of a sweet memory of Kamber. This 4th of July we went to my grandpa and grandmas cabin in Eager. We went with some of our friends and cousins. We love to go there because we get to play all day long. Each year for the 4th Eager has a parade. This was our first time doing this, because we usually go to the beach. I had so much fun playing with Kamber that weekend. We went to the parade and saw lots of cool things. During the parade they throw candy to all the kids on the side. Kylie and I were fast so we collected lots of candy. Kamber kept trying to run and get candy but she wasn't fast enough. When I realized Kamber was sad and I gave Kamber some of my candy. This made her very happy. I enjoyed running out to get candy for Kamber the rest of the parade. It made me feel good to know Kamber was happy. This was a fun weekend and a great memory that I will always have of my little sister. I love Kamber very much and always will.

Enduring to the End

We have been taught to always endure to the end in everything we do. In School you were taught to stay in school. It will benefit you in the end. With sports your taught to keep up with your workouts and always give 100%. This would make you stronger, fast, and a better athlete. In the gospel we are taught to endure to the end. Push through those trials that face us, the lord has promised us that the reward will be great.
This morning I hopped on a spinning bike that my mom let me borrow. I thought how hard can this be. I've ridden stationary bikes before and no big deal. I've always been athletic and exercise is always part of my life. This should be no big deal. This fun looking bike came with some CD's, this should be fun! Well I put the CD in and hopped on the bike and I started riding. Oh yeah this is no big deal and really quite fun. Before I knew it the instructor on the TV suggested turning up the resistance. So I did, Lets do this! Not before long it was time to turn up the resistance again. Ok, a little bit harder, but nothing I can't handle. Then we started standing and riding, resistance went up again. Then we were jumping which is riding in a standing position for a small amount of time then sitting, then standing, then sitting. Resistance went up again to climb the hill. My hot shot attitude started changing. Maybe this is harder than I thought. Nope, not stopping I'm pushing to the end. I don't give up easily, I'm pretty determined. As I was doing this workout I thought about my life. I have been given lots of trials many haven't been all that hard. I've had the attitude I can conquer this and have endured to the end. Then there are times life has just floated on by. Till now, Wham take this on. This reminds me of one of those hills I had to climb with the resistance up as high as I can handle. There are so many times I want to just give up, not deal with it and run away. Life just doesn't have as much zest as it did before. I work hard from day to day just to survive. That's my way of coping. One hill at a time. As I keep doing the spinning bike eventually it will become easier, same for this sad time in my life. The more I endure to the end and keep my focus where it needs to be this too with time will become easier. I can endure to the end. I think of the quote:" I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." I know that is true.

The Little Things

When Kamber passed away she received a blanket. It was given to her right before she was taken to the mortuary. It was a cute pink and white blanket. Kamber loved her blankets and she had many thanks to Grandma Teri. She always loved to snuggle her soft blankets. I didn't know what Kamber could wear or have prior to her final dressing, so it was nice to see her with a sweet blanket made by someone who cared. The only thing was I didn't know who this sweet person was that donated this blanket. Well I recently started calling around and found out who did this service. There group name is The Out to Lunch Bunch Quilters. Most all live in Sun City. What a special group of women and what a comfort they brought to me. Kamber had a blanket, some thing she loved. What a sweet act of charity for a family in sadness. Sometimes it is the little things that mean the most.

Many people have asked if they could have Kambers blog as a link to their blog. You are more than welcome to do that. I just ask that anyone reading Kambers blog not to use it for anything else but for the good of others. You are welcome to use material and stories on this site as long as it is not used as your own experiences. These are my personal thoughts and stories and are to be used to uplift myself and others. Thanks!

80% of Marriages

Ethan and I have been seeing a counselor and have started taking our girls. This lady is wonderful. The first time we went to see her was the Monday after Kambers accident. She was there to comfort us, give us some things to look out for, and advice in helping us deal with the traumatic loss of Kamber. We have since taken our girls to her and they enjoy there time getting to talk about Kamber and there concerns. Our counselor told us that 80 % of marriages fall apart after the loss of a child. That absolutely blew me away. That is a huge amount of marriages falling apart.Ethan and I said its not happening to us, we are determined not to let it pull us apart. When you are first going through the beginning stages it feels like nothing could ever pull you apart. Now we are 6 weeks into this roller coaster and we can see how this might happen. Ethan and I are truely doing great and we are closer than ever, but we are starting to see that the healing with this ordeal happens at different stages. Life does go on and we can't always be present when the other is struggling. This makes it hard and I feel that at times he is doing better than I am and vise versa.We are to make a new normal and I know that is what we need to do to survive and to keep our family together. A lot of times this makes me so upset. I shouldn't have to be doing this in the first place. I shouldn't have to make a new normal, I want my old normal back when Kamber was in it. It just stinks that this is how life is sometimes. So we see hard things present themselves and it is not just mourning the loss of Kamber, it is constant work to keep our family together. Something that every marriage goes through, but now there is a little twist involved to make it a little harder. Thank goodness for the gospel and a great husband that I know loves me and our sweet little girls. We can and will endure the hardest trial that has been set before us. The statistics are not something that will be part of our future. The Larsens are an Eternal Family!

Inspired?

Well yesterday as you all know was a sad day. We got Taylers foot looked at and she has an infection form the mosquito bites. She had to get a shot of antibiotics. She said that shot hurt very bad. It was like burning peanut butter. I believe her, after the shot I could see the medicine bundled up in her arm under her skin. (ouch!) Today Tayler seems to be doing better.
Yesterday before the doctors visit my sister-in-law Candi had mentioned going to the lake. She said we all haven't gone in a while and we always have so much fun. Ethan didn't have to much going that afternoon and he was able to shake himself free for the afternoon. I don't know if Candi was inspired with the idea or not, but it was sure what I needed. The lake was absolutely beautiful yesterday. We were one of the two boats out there. The sky was beautiful and the weather was perfect. It brought me so much joy to be with my family and do something we love. This is something Kamber always loved doing. We had her on the boat at 3 months old. She even loved it as a baby. We would put her in a life jacket and prop her in the corner seat and that is where she would fall asleep. When she got older the story changed. She always wanted to swim in the water. She loved riding on the tubes with Ethan and I. One time Ethan even took her out on the wake board with him. We couldn't help but think of her while we were there yesterday. It was weird not having to worry about her standing up and hanging over the side of the boat while we were barreling down the lake or making sure we were watching her while she swam in the water. My motherly instinct kept kicking in but there was no Kamber to worry about. It was a very interesting feeling. I'm sure Kamber enjoyed watching us have fun. Part of her probably wanted to be there to enjoy it with us, but she knows the whole picture and knows she will be able to enjoy those times again and she knows it won't be long. That time we get as a whole family again will probably be even sweeter than these times we have here on earth.
Thanks to my family for a well needed time of happiness and fun! Soon I will have pictures and a post on my Larsen family blog.

Here or Not

My daughter Tayler is home from school today. Her right ankle and foot is sooo swollen. She has mosquito bites on that leg that I thought might have made her leg swollen so I gave her Benadryl. Well that hasn't worked at all. I also remember last week her telling me that she hurt her foot while doing the jump rope. I pushed what she said aside because she didn't seem to be limping. Well who knows whats going on, but off to the doctor we will go.
It is interesting that today she is home. A day that I seem to be struggling a bit. I'm feeling the lose of Kamber. I'm missing her hugs and kisses. Know one really knows how I long for that sweet little girl. (other than my husband and those who have lost their little ones) My heart aches, but I continue do my duties as a mom. As I was getting ready today I kept having flash backs of seeing her in the pool and the feeling I got when the reality of what was really happening set in. I felt sick to my stomach. I have to let those feeling come and truely feel them so they may pass. Soon the feeling was gone and I remembered where she is now and what a wonderful place that is to be. I had a feeling it is okay, she is fine and she is busy doing my work.
My feelings today I feel are parallel with Tayler being home with me and my feelings of Kamber. I'm glad to have Tayler home with me. That I can see her, hug her, kiss her, hold her, and talk to her. She is physically here and it gives me comfort. Though it makes me sad that she is hurting and isn't her physical best. So in that case I would rather her be at school, learning, growing and having fun even though she would not be here physically with me. I know that is where she is meant to be. This is how I feel about Kamber. There are many times that I wish we could have saved her even if it meant she would not be her physical best, at least I could hold her, hug and kiss her, and talk to her. In all reality I know it is not what I really want. She is where she needs to be and where it is best for her right now. A place where she is learning, growing and having fun. I know where she is and it's not far away, just like Tayler at school. Kamber gets the best Teacher of all, Our Heavenly Father. So my devastated sadness has passed and just a small longing for her stays knowing that soon I will hold, hug, kiss, and talk to her again. What a wonderful day it will be. For now I will lean on the comfort of the Holy Ghost to help me through these hard times.

I Pray

I pray every morning before I post a blog. I pray that I will get something out of what I post and that others will to. I want this blog to be something that helps me grow spiritually and helps me to be a better person. It helps me to recognize the things I need to work on as I bear my testimony each day with the world. What a great thing the computer can be. Reaching out to others in a way never before. I'm so thankful to have the gospel in my life, for good friends, and family members. I'm thankful for a good neighbors that have been so gracious. We know there have been members of other religions praying for our family. I am grateful each one of those people and for there faith in Christ. These people couldn't have given us a better gift of love and we are grateful for that. Each day we still continue to have people showing us they care and it is wonderful. We love you all.

We all have a Purpose

We all really do have a purpose in life. When I say life I mean our eternal life. I heard this time and time again not fully understanding. I always thought it meant just coming to earth, getting a body, overcoming trials and returning to our Heavenly Father. That is true, but it goes much deeper than that. I now think I am starting to fully understand part of Kambers purpose and my purpose. Kamber has touch more lives than I feel I will ever know. She has changed me undoubtedly. I don't think this change would have happened had these events not occurred. Or maybe they would not have been as powerful as they are. Kamber is a great missionary. This is her purpose. She is a missionary in all things not only in just teaching the gospel. She stands for everything good. What a beautiful example we have from a little girl. If we all could be like little children how wonderful life would be. So next time you look at your children or any little child remember they to have a great purpose in lifes eternal realm. They in fact may be your teacher of greater things. I know this is true in our family. Our special children are our teachers in life!

Another Book

Isn't it funny that when we are going through hard trials that we seem to want to learn and soak up as much knowledge about what we are going through? That has really rang true for me. I'm on to another book. This book is titled Angel Children Those Who Die Before Accountability. Another great book. I'm not quite done with it, I have about 1 chapter left. I came across something definitely for me to learn from. It is something sad for me to admit, but there are a lot of times I see the negative things in life before I see the positive. Enduring this trial of losing Kamber has taught me to try and see positive in all things. I have to say I'm doing much better at this, but still sometime struggle. I have others in my life that I can see struggle with this very much. I hope it is something they will also overcome eventually.
In this book David O McKay talks about our contentment in life. It reads: Contentment springs from within ourselves. Outward circumstances will be contributive to it, but it is our attitude toward those exterior things which will determine our contentment... How true is that statement. What a wake up call for me. I do feel it is okay for me to still long for Kamber, to have days that I'm so sad. I do feel that it is what we do with our lives after those moments, knowing there will be more Kamber moments to come. We need to pick ourselves up and endure to the end. I'm grateful for this book and the neat things I am learning from it. There are angels all around us and how neat is it that one of my angels for our family is one of our own. We love you Kamber and are so very thankful for the blessing you were to our family here on earth and a blessing you are up in heaven!

The Message

A friend of mine gave me the book The Message by Lance Richardson. This book is great. Lance wrote an account of when he had a near death experience and the things that happened. What an amazing experience he was able to have. I know the things he says in the book are true because my dad had a similar experience. I know we have loved ones all around us that have passed on. They are our angels. It is true, we can feel Kamber around us everyday. Especially the days that are hard for us to endure. She lets us know of her presence by a warm feeling of pure love. We are so thankful for that. She wants us to endure to the end and she is up there cheering us on. I'm sure she is sad when we are sad and happy when we are happy. I'm sure she laughs when things are funny. Tayler reminded me yesterday that when something was funny that Kamber would giggle and say "It Funny!" It is not what she said so much, but how she said it. She was always the life of the party. I think that is part of what makes it so hard to have her gone. She made us laugh every day. Life was so interesting with her here. I find myself looking around and thinking "did this really happen?" At times it just doesn't seem real. When am I going to wake up? Maybe it doesn't seem real because we feel her all around us. I don't really know.
Well back to the book. This is an easy reader and not a very long book. It has brought me comfort and peace. This book is also found at the Deseret Book Store. Thanks for your time and have a great day!

I Am A Child Of God

I am a child of God and so are you. We lived with him before we came to this earth. We were there and made the choice to follow Heavenly Fathers plan. We couldn't wait to come and can't wait to get back. What a wonderful day it will be to return to our Father in Heaven again. If you really think about it we are not really gone from him. He is always with us and will never leave us alone. This is something I have come to really know this past month. Heavenly Father lets us have our free agency but, when we really need him he is always right there. He is always there, maybe we just haven't paid much attention till times get ruff. So each day I try to see the little things that lets me know he is there. It may just be taking time to look at the beautiful flowers and plants, or looking up to the heavens. These are all sign of his love.
We are all children of God and he can't wait to be with us again. For this truth I am thankful.

Families Can Be Together Forever

This title is my theme for today. I know I have mentioned many times throughout this blog that I know that families are forever but, I feel the need today to really talk about it. I don't know if the need is for me or for any one person that reads this blog.
The primary song Families Can Be Together Forever has been playing over and over in my head today. The words to the song are so powerful. It is very true. We can be together forever through Heavenly Fathers plan. It was because of his son Jesus Christ that this is possible. I'm so grateful for this and that is why the song was sung at Kambers funeral. If any of you do not know this song you can pick it up at Deseret Book Store. There are two stores here in Mesa. You would be looking for the primary songbook CD. Anyone would be happy to help you find it. Every song on this CD speaks truths about the gospel of Jesus Christ. These principle are taught from the time we are young children. I promise if you listen to this song that the spirit will manifest that these words are true. Families really can be together forever. Amen.

My Little Girl

I don't if you have heard that song by Tim McGraw "My Little Girl" but it is awesome. I love that song almost as much as Ethan. He insisted on having that song on Kambers video we made. It goes perfect with the pictures that are there. Today I have been thinking a lot of my little girl. Thinking of how much I miss having her physically here with me. I enjoy all my girls, but I also enjoyed the time I got to spend with just Kamber. Last year Tayler and Kylie went to school and I was pregnant with Brookie so I got a few hours everyday with just Kamber and I. I enjoyed getting to hold her and rock her to sleep while watching Dora. Sometimes she would help me make lunch and we would sit together and eat. Other times we would go and run errands together and just talk. She would point out all the things she thought was wonderful. "Lookie mama" that is what she would always say. If I didn't pat attention she would softly grab my face with one hand and make me look at her. She would always smile and give a little giggle and repeat "Lookie Mama" and point at what interested her most. She loved balls and dolls. Many times I would buy her a little toy. Those where sweet times. She makes me smile. Oh how I miss those times. Wish I could have one more time with her. There would be so many things I would tell her. I just have to remind myself just a little longer I have to wait. I will have those times again and how sweet they will be. Just a little longer.
What a beautiful little girl from the inside out. What a beautiful little girl with a strong example for all of us to live up to. She's got it all and knows it all. What a beautiful little girl.

Labor Day

We haven't gone anywhere this weekend but it has been good. We have had friends in from out of town and close friends come by. It' been fun hanging out with all of them. Today is special. It is not very often that we get to have Ethan home on a Monday. This is a day that we as a family always look forward to. Especially Kamber. She absolutely loves playing with her daddy. So we are going to try and make the most of this day in Kambers memory. More than likely we will swim. This is Kambers favorite thing to do. We have so many fun memories as a family going swimming. Kamber is constantly on our minds and now those memories make us more happy than sad. Thank heaven of holidays and any day we get to spend precious time as a family. I hope all of you enjoy your labor day!