I don't know what my deal is. The wave of sadness just keeps coming. Yesterday I did okay till Relief Society and the lesson was great but, it did bring me to tears. I was okay with that though because I was able to share a special experience with the women in my ward. Today I was doing okay till it was time for me to do a post. Why is this sadness coming so often here lately to weigh me down? Usually I get at least a week between my really hard days but, lately it just gives me little time to breath.
Saturday I went with my mom and sister to look at Christmas decor and it did bring me some happiness. I would think that it would make me more sad but, for now it bring some happiness and calm. I enjoyed finding things for my Kamber tree I am putting up as soon as possible. I have found so many pretty purple things and they seem to suit Kamber beautifully. Maybe the happiness comes from being able to do something for Kamber. Now that she is gone I miss being able to take care of her and do many things for her. So, maybe in some way this is temporally filling that void in my life. I continue to try and think of the things that I am grateful for and load my memory of happy thoughts. At times these happy thoughts come easy and other times it is hard to do. For today to help with the sadness I am running, I have to say that it is very therapeutic. I will be running till my legs can no longer handle it :)

My post on the angels blog

I couldn't decide if I was going to share with all of you my post on the angel blog. Well, what the heck here it is, hopefully your feelings for me won't change! :)

Okay, I am going to reveal something that is a little embarrassing but that has made my husband and I laugh today. After this last week of struggling so bad with the loss of Kamber the laugh was much needed, even though it was at my expense.

I have always done ditsy things throughout my life but, I have felt that I am pretty responsible and smart. I enjoy making people laugh and pretty willing to laugh at myself when I do dumb things. I feel I am a kind person and would do most anything to cheer someone else up. I do have to say since Kamber has died I have become very air headed. I do dumb things all the time. I just can't seem to get my life in order and the easy things sometimes are so hard for me to do. I am LOOSING MY MIND! I have to admit shortly after Ethan and I were married that I mailed my check book. Yeah, you heard me right, my check book. I had all my mail in one hand and my check book was in that same hand since I had just wrote my last bill while I was in the car. Now this was a box that was just down the street, not at a post office, just an area that you can pull in and mail since the nearest post office was far. So I had to wait till 5:00 which was a couple hours away for the mail man to come and pick up the mail. Well of course he was running behind, then I found out that he couldn't just give me my check book I had to meet him at the post office before he could give it back to me. It was such a process but, to make a long story short I got it back and was late for my evening college class.

So now that I have revealed the dumbest thing I have done, may be this won't seem so bad. We were given a calling about a month after Kamber died, bishop thought it would be a good idea to make Ethan and I the activities leaders in our ward and only give us two other couples to help. Since I am an airhead I was afraid that he might regret that decision later, but I excepted. I almost missed my first ward council meeting until a member of the bishopric called me a half hour into the meeting to ask if I was coming. I threw clothes on and raced down to the church feeling like a retard! The next dumb thing I have done is show up for ward council today a week early and interrupt a bishopric meeting. Yeah, what a nerd :) Then when I got home I told my husband and he just laughed but, what really got him rolling was, I told him that I had remembered when Bro. Brodero called us earlier this week to set up tithing settlement and that I had told him something really dumb. He set up our meeting at 1:10 and our ward meets at 2:30. I told Bro. Brodero to remind me about our tithing settlement at church because I am an air head and will probably forget. Really, Really? I can't believe I said that! I had wondered why he hesitated when he said suuurrre... That's because I am retarded, church is a hour and a half later than our tithing settlement. Ha Ha Ha. That really makes sense! You can laugh, we sure did. I just wonder what the bishopric thinks that they got themselves into by calling me to this leadership calling. Hopefully it has given them a lot of laughs!
Love to all,
Jen (Kambers mom)

Short Post

Let's just say it is a hard day. I'm struggling with thoughts,feelings and just trying to endure the past couple of days. I'll be okay I just don't have much I want to say.

When God Calls Little Children

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,

We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love.

For no heartache compares with the death of one small child

Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold.

So He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few

To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult, still, somehow we must try,

The saddest word mankind knows will always be “goodbye.”

So when a little child departs, we who are left behind

Must realize God loves children… Angels are hard to find.

Thanks Kathryn for the sweet poem!

Look Alike?

Do we have a look alike? Can you tell who is who? These are pictures of Kamber and Brookie around the same age. I hear all the time how much they look alike. I see a resemblance but I personally don't really think they look alike. I do have to say that they both are pretty dang cute! I love having girls and especially love when they are this age. ( here Brookie is 7mo. and Kamber is 9mo.) Kamber was definitely the most petite out of my girls but, not petite compared to other kids. She was in the 70th percentile for her age. Brookie is in the 90th for her age which Tayler and Kylie were also. Not fat at all, just solid and I love it! I am sure they will beinto sports just like our families are. Girls are so fun and even though one day I would like a boy or two I wouldn't trade any boy in the world for the four girls I have.

Chistmas for Kamber

I've got it, I know some things I am going to do for Kamber. I have been racking my brain trying to think of the right thing that feels good. Earlier this year I was at Target they had a lot of their toys on Clarence, so I roamed through wondering why I was even doing this since my kids really don't need any toys at that time. I then came across some Dora toys that were $3.00 to $5.00. I found a Hawaiian looking Dora doll that was $5.00 and then another Dora toy that had four different things in it for about $3.00. I was so excited because I knew Kamber would absolutly love these toys, so I put them in my basket and thought I would save them for Christmas. Well, a few weeks before Kamber died she had thrown a fit about something, I can't remember and I remembered that toy. Just to stop her from crying any longer I bribed her with the Dora doll. I know, that is not how you discipline a child, but I couldn't handle it any longer. I gave her the doll and she was as sweet as pie. Those next couple of weeks Kamber loved playing with the Dora doll and majority of the time Dora didn't have her clothes on. Kamber passed away a couple of weeks later. I was so glad I had given her that doll to love and play with to bring some happiness to her life. The morning of the funeral the girls wanted to give Kamber a couple things, so we found the Dora doll and of course Dora had no clothes on. I looked for the clothes and couldn't find them. SO, I'm sure you know what is coming next! Yep, Dora went into the casket with Kamber. Dora had a painted swim suit on her body so she wasn't totally nude. But, that is how Kamber played with her so that is how Dora went. Anyways, my point is that I never gave Kamber the other Dora toy. I am not sure what I will do with it yet but, it sure is sad not to have Kamber here on Christmas to open it.
I was on one of my dear friends blog who has also lost a little girl to a drowning a month before Kamber and saw what she was doing for her daughter for Christmas and asked if she would mind if I took a little spin off her idea. The sweetheart she is, she said she wouldn't mind. Here is my idea: I am going to fill Kamber's stocking with gratitude and memories. Yep, we will write on a piece of paper things that we are grateful for. I feel when we count our blessings it is hard to be so sad. Kamber brought to much happiness to our family and I want to try as hard as possible to be happy Christmas day. So first in her stocking will be how grateful I am to have her be a part of our family! If you would like to participate feel free to. Send memories of her, things that you are grateful for, and emails of how Kamber has touched your life knowing her or just knowing her through this blog. I love hearing how Kamber continues touching other lives just as much as I love hearing memories people have of her. We as a family will open her stocking on Christmas and read all the gratitude, memories, and stories as a gift to her. There is nothing more special than remembering how blessed we are and thanking our Heavenly Father for each blessing and Kamber is a true blessing and best gift we could have ever received. That goes the same for all of my girls! I also think I might do a tree for her with purple, white ,and silver ornaments. Each year we will pick out a special ornament just for Kamber to put on the tree. Even though Kamber isn't here this year we will have many things to remind us of her. We love our Kamber girl!
You can find my email at the top of the blog or here! Kampers2@gmail.com
Thanks and love to all!

No Sugar Coating

My mind has been spinning this morning, which is nothing different. I have been sorting through the things that happened the day Kamber died. It is like my mind just doesn't want to except it and as if I really could have changed something to stop it. Deep down I know I did nothing wrong that day. I actually spent more time having fun with Kamber that morning than I usually did. The fact that I was leaving out of town and hadn't packed yet didn't seem to bother me, I just wanted to spend time with her. That is a blessing of it's own, Heavenly Father allowed me that day not to be stressed out and allowed me to really enjoy Kamber. I paid a lot of attention to her that morning,more than I usually would have since I was packing. It takes only seconds and a life can be taken. So it wasn't because we didn't pay any attention to her, we were just playing with her minutes before she was taken. These are the things I know and have to keep reassuring myself each day.
People have sent me some e-mails telling me how our families situation has changed their life and I am glad it has influenced them for the better. It feels good to know Kamber is touching others lives even after she has passed. Many people say that they enjoy reading the blog and that they like how real and raw I am, no sugar coating. Here is my response to those comments:
That is the purpose of my blog, no sugar coating because this is my reality. The reality of Kamber not being here is raw and real, there is no sugar coating when it comes to grief. I write for me to get my frustrations out and record my true feelings. I hope in time I can look back and read the true feelings and emotions I feel and hope to see growth along the way. I hope I can look back and see how really hard it is and see that I am enduring. I hope I will see the beautiful blessings that have come from this hard reality. I hope others will see that there is a way to endure adversity and know that they can endure it also regardless of the trials they go through. I want my kids ( if they choose) to read and see how much I love them and love Kamber and know if I could have changed this reality I would and really know I would do anything for them to take the hurt away. I want them to remember that we all spent precious time with Kamber just before she died. We had a dance party down in my room. We all laughed and danced together, Heavenly Father allowed that last memory and special time with Kamber.
So, these are the reasons I am real about my life after loss. I want to learn and grow from this experience and maybe others will do the same. Thanks for the support that continues to be shown to our family. I am thankful for all the new friends I have met through the blog that continue to let me know they are there for us even though we have never met.

Happy Birthday Mom and Grandma Greer!

Mondays

I was in the Kitchen this morning trying to clean up the mess from this weekend. I had many things going on this week and didn't have much time to clean the way I usually like to. Ethan came in a saw me at work putting dishes away. I must have had a sad look on my face, he is so in tune with me that he knows when the wheels are spinning and when I am frustrated. He said "Are Monday's hard for you?" I looked at him like: what are you talking about? My mind was spinning over the things I need to do today, things we talked about yesterday regarding Kamber, and my dream I had last night and trying to find some meaning in it. My response to his question was "Yes ,Mondays are hard." He said they are for me to because I see all the things that need to be done for the week at work." Well yes, that is part of it for me, but the other part is realizing I just made it through another week with out Kamber and sometimes that is hard. I want the week to fly by but, I want time to stand still so all the memories of Kamber are so fresh. Mondays are hard because I know I have another whole week to endure with out Kamber. The task of cleaning my house, getting groceries, and any of the other mundane things we as mom's have to do just don't seem that hard anymore. I very rarely get stressed about it anymore like I would before. We take life one step at a time. My priorities are a little different as I know Ethan's are also. He sees all the things that he has to do for the week but I notice he is much calmer than he use to be. So many lessons have been learned from the trial of living life with out Kamber here and there are many lessons yet to be learned. So yes ,Monday's are hard in there own way, but that is okay.

The Time of My Life

I'm sure everyone has heard the song by David Cook "The Time of my Life." I have never paid much attention to the song till the other day. I have it on my Ipod and I really do not remember putting the song on it. So yesterday I was running along and this song came on and my thoughts started turning round and round in my mind. I thought that this song totally apply's to my life right now. It talks about picking up the pieces in our lives and changing. This is the time of our lives. Well, since I feel that my life has been shattered into a million little pieces I'm now at this time in my life that I have the choice what I am going to do with these pieces. This is a major turning point in my life and in my families lives. Are we going to pick up these pieces and become more loving, compassionate, forgiving, Christ like people? Or are we going to let this send us down a dark tunnel and never make our way out and become bitter? This is the time of our lives. Just because I choose to try and go down the better road doesn't mean I won't be sad or even angry at the situation at times. I doesn't mean that I am over the loss of Kamber because I feel I never will, I will always long for her and have a sad place in my heart. I can learn to become a better person, so I can work along side her in her mission. We have to grieve but we don't have to be stuck in all the horrible feelings for the rest of our lives. It will take time and it will be hard but one thing I know for sure, we will endure.

I have put the song on my play list if you would like to hear it.

Thursdays

I think I have mentioned before on the blog that we have been going to a counselor since Kamber died. If I haven't then now you know. Our first time going was the Monday after Kamber died and I am glad we went. Ethan and I went first to see what we thought and to find a way to help us deal with the situation. We figured that if we could keep ourselves in check then we could better help our girls through this hard time. We since have taken the girls and they really enjoy getting to go. Every other week I take them one at a time during their lunch break and I really enjoy my time with them on my own. We talk about whatever they want and then go to talk about Kamber which they seem to like to do. I really feel these sessions are helping them understand the situation and that Kamber is just not physically here and that we will see her again. It is hard for young children to really understand that concept because they really only know what they see. We talk all the time about Kamber and sometimes it is sad and other times it is happy memories. My girls miss their little sister but know we will be together again as a family some day. In some ways having to endure this tragedy of loosing Kamber has brought our family even closer together, which before I thought we were pretty tight knit. I love my girls and I am proud of their strength at such a young age. I know they were sent to our family for a reason and I am so glad Heavenly Father sent such wonderful girls as them!

Dreams

Kylie and I have both had a dream of Kamber recently. I am so grateful for the sweet dreams we get to have, I think it is what helps us plug along through life. I can tell it does confuse Kylie a bit because she thinks it is real till she wakes up. I try to explain to her that it is, Heavenly Father is probably allowing Kamber to be with her for that moment. I don't think she quite gets it, that's okay because she is only 6 years old.

Here is our conversation about Kylie's dream:

Kylie: Mommy I had a dream about Kamber!

Me: You did?! Do you want to tell me about it?

Kylie: Yeah, Kamber came and she sat on my lap and I was holding her.

Me: Really?

Kylie: Yeah, I was holding her and I said "Kamber your alive!" and Kamber said " I am?!" I said yes and we smiled. Then she was gone cause I woke up, it was not real :(

Me: I am sure that was her and you did get to hold her. Kylie had a weird look on her face, but I think she just somewhat excepted what I said.

My dream was similar. Our family was all out in our front yard and the girls were playing. Kamber was running after them trying to catch up like she always did. I was following right behind Kamber watching how cute she was. Then Kamber stepped in a little hole and tripped. I was right there when she put her arms up for me to hold her. She didn't cry when she fell and she was not hurt at all, she just wanted me to hold her. She said something to me, but I can't remember what she said. I'm pretty sure it was " I hold you!" That is what she always said when she wanted someone to hold her. I held and loved her, then the dream was over. I am thankful for that small sweet dream. At times the dreams make me sad, but this one brought some comfort. I am thankful for a Heavenly Father that allows those times with Kamber still!

Flash Backs

Last night and this morning I have been having flash backs of the events when Kamber died. These images are engraved into my mind and at times I don't think I am able to let them go. At the begining when Kamber died these images came all the time, they were so vivid as they are now, but I don't see them as often. The images come and the sheer panic of the events that followed well up inside me. The only way to ease these feelings are for me to pray. Heavenly Father can't totally take these thoughts from my mind, but he can help ease the panic I feel. I don't know if these images will eventually fade away or if this is something I will deal with for the rest of my life. As I scan and view over that day from the beginning to the end of that hard week I remember the little blessings along the way. Little tender mercies that Heavenly Father allowed us to experience, but for some reason those images and thoughts don't come as often when my mind reverts to the images that bring sheer panic and the sick feeling in my stomach. Why is it that I have to concentrate harder to remember the peaceful memories than the sad ones? Everything is all part of the process to eventually somewhat heal. There are many steps through the grieving process and I wish we moved through them step by step, but that is not the case. Gosh, life is a bumpy road and we have to hold on to the Lord for dear life. I know I will make it through, but sometimes I feel as though my fingers start to slip and then I panic, Heavenly Father I need your help, my hands are slipping. He is right there and I grab a hold with some anxiety, but eventually it all calms because I realize who is helping me.

To The Zoo!

Since it is Veterans Day we are going to the zoo! We are loading up the cousins and going to see some animals and having a day of fun. I'm excited to take my girls somewhere they can let loose and enjoy themselves with their cousins. There is always a bittersweet side to the fun now. We were at the zoo not long ago. We went when Brookie was about 2 months old. It was a little warm outside so we packed some lunch and did the water part of the zoo. My girls had so much fun playing in the water, especially Kamber. We remember her running around and splashing. I think her favorite part was walking away from me and going down to the near by water to see the ducks. She loved animals and especially if they were in any water. I remember it being such a fun day and afterwards the kids took a nap on the drive home. I loved this and always enjoyed caring Kamber asleep into her bed. I always would take the extra time to hold her a little longer and hug her extra tight before I would lay her down to sleep. I wish I still could do the same for Tayler and Kylie but they are getting way to big for me to hold and it makes me sad. I love my girls and I am so happy to spend a fun day with them. We know Kamber is with us always and she is not forgotten during our fun times as a family.

Adversity

I just got done reading an amazing book! The title is "The Uses of Adversity." This book was given to me by my mother in law, Teri. Teri and I have been trying to find books to help comfort and guide us through this hard time. We seem to have the same taste in the books we enjoy reading and this one is a great find.
On the back of this book it has a great quote:
" The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain. It is resource in event of pain."
- Carlfred Broderick
That quote sums it all up and is so true. I have always prayed evening and day to keep my children and husband safe. I have always tried to live my life as righteous as I possibly could in hopes that Heavenly Father would not let any harm or accidents come to my family. After my dad died I thought for sure I had endured enough pain that Heavenly Father would not let me go through another heart ache such as that again. I know the night before Kamber died that I prayed for the safety of my girls and thinking that all would be fine for them especially while we were gone on vacation. I had no clue that night would be our last with Kamber in our home. We know what happened that very day and the pain has happened again. I have not blamed my Heavenly Father or Christ for taking Kamber that day. I have realized Kamber was not taken because I have done something wrong because I have lived a righteous life. Just because I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and I choose to live by its teachings and choose to raise my children in the gospel it does not prevent pain from coming into our lives. After reading this book it has knocked me on the head, HELLO, we have to endure pain that is how we learn and grow. We live in an imperfect world and we are imperfect people. We are here to learn and strive to be more Christ like.
I love this book and it has put some things into perspective for me. I can't prevent what is going to happen in this life as much as I wish I could keep my family from enduring any kind of pain. I really don't have any control over my life or any ones life but I do have some guidelines to help direct my family down the right paths to take through this journey of life. And if pain does come our way which it has, I have a resource to turn to and a Heavenly Father to help me through. Adversity comes in many ways and we all have to endure it form time to time. I know we are not alone in our pain we have the best person on our side and he is there waiting for us to let him help.
This book can be found at Deseret Book and the author is Carlfred Broderick.
Happy Birthday to my sister, Becky!

Fasting Today

There have been times in my life I have wondered what to fast for. Really it is simple, you don't always have to fast for something huge or that has been tragic. You can fast for little things that in reality might be something big to you. Here lately there has been lots of big things for our family to fast for and they have not always been just for our immediate family, sometimes you fast for other people. Today our fast is for Uncle Karl and Aunt Sue that we love. They are two people I hope for Ethan and I to be a little like. There kindness radiates through them and you feel there love just by talking with them. What a great example they are to us in so many ways. We are so grateful to be a part of their extended family and get to spend time with them. We love you both and hope all will be well.

Super Saturday

The title of my post is Super Saturday not because life is just grand today, but because I get to go to Super Saturday in my old ward. For those of you who don't know what a Super Saturday is let me explain. It is a day that you get to go to the ward building and do craft project that some of the very talented people in your ward and volunteered to teach and help you make. I am very happy to go back to my old ward and be with some of my favorite people. I think back on the time that I lived out there, which we are coming on a year since I left. I doesn't feel like I have been gone for that long and maybe that is because my friends that still live out there keep in contact with me. Life there just seemed so perfect, I felt I had the perfect life and nothing could go wrong. A huge part of me did not want to move, but I knew we would not be staying forever and people have to move on sometime. I am thankful that today I get to spend time with my friends all in one place doing things that we all enjoy, so that is what makes this day a Super Saturday!

Dora the Explorer

This morning my sweet Kylie bear came in to my room just before 6:00. I was not to excited to be woke up this early because I had been up 7 times the night before and a few times last night. She come over to my bed side and in a soft voice said " Mommy I'm awake and I want to watch t.v. in your room with no sound. I wanted to tell her no but I said yes. She hopped on to my bed and snuggled under the covers. I don't know what she watched first because I drifted off to sleep. The next time I was woken up was about a half and hour later to Kylie saying "Dora is on, yeah." Kylie usually doesn't like watching Dora but for some reason she was excited this morning. It has been 3 months since Dora has been on my t.v. in the morning. Kamber was my morning bird watching Dora in my room. I woke up and sat in bed remembering Kamber and how much I enjoyed watching her watch Dora and talk to the t.v. Brookie woke up not long after Dora started so I got her and put her on my bed to watch with us. She stared at the t.v. making noises. She seemed to enjoy watching the show and seemed to want to talk. I enjoyed this morning remembering Kamber and the cute things she would do and also enjoyed the two bundles of joy I had sitting right next to me. I am grateful that Kylie woke up early to watch t.v. this morning, she helped to bring some happiness to my day with out even realizing she had done that for me. Thank Heaven for Little Girls!

Finding Happiness

Finding happiness in life use to be such an easy thing. I didn't take much to make me happy. Well, I have to say that finding happiness in life has just got harder and easier at the same time. I know this might not make sense but, in my head it makes total sense so I am going to roll with it.
Kamber has died and I never thought there could be so much sadness in ones life as I have experienced. Words can't even explain the sadness that envelops me every day. Deep down there is always a gut wrenching feeling that never goes away. So, majority of the time there is not happiness, but at the same time there is happiness. I now can wake up each morning and be grateful my kids safely slept through the night. When they are hard I can look at them and be grateful they are still here to fight with one another, and it puts a new meaning on what is really hard. I find happiness in just seeing a smile, and happiness in a lot of the small things in life, but the happiness is always bitter sweet. Just because I am happy looking on the outside doesn't always mean I feel the same on the inside, it just means I am trying to be happy for that moment and at that moment my pretending just might work. There are three things in this life that make me the happiest My husband, my girls, and knowing we are an eternal family. That is the only happiness that can never be bitter sweet!

Each Day

Each day I hear of more people having to deal with loss in their lives. I recently I have heard of 5. I have had people come to me asking what they can do to help these people. I am not a counselor and I don't feel I am more spiritual than the next person. I do know the heart ache that comes with loss and the road ahead. I have my faults and have times I am in despair. There are times that I feel totally alone and wonder if my Heavenly Father is really listening. Deep down I do know we are never left alone and Heavenly Father is always there, he loves us enough to let us experience life good or bad.
So for those going through loss my heart aches for you. I know the road ahead and the sadness that comes. I know the things that people will say and the things that people won't say that feels like a dagger to the heart. Life is hard and there are times that I can't believe I said I would endure this life, but if I can help but one person through the journey then my joy will be great. I do know that I jumped for joy to follow Heavenly Fathers plan. I wanted to follow his plan so I could become more like him. I knew I needed to come a learn and experience earth life so I could gain eternal life. I don't know that I understood the pain and sorrow behind my trails, but I know that I excepted this life and couldn't wait to experience it so I could return home. There has been much joy along with the sorrow and I am grateful for that. Now all I need to do is endure to the end, enjoy life the best I can with my husband and sweet girls so I can return to Kamber and my Heavenly Father. She is in heaven preparing a place for our family to spend eternity and she can't wait for us just as much as we can't wait for her. I want to return home to my Heavenly Father saying "Jen you have returned with Honor." Then turn and see Kamber with a smile on her face and arms stretched out waiting to welcome me home.

Voting Day

Today we are to vote for a new President and on many issues that can directly effect our families. I choose not to voice my vote on this blog today because I don't believe in getting into political battles and there may be many that may choose to vote opposite from me. I do hope those that vote today pray to know the right person to vote for and to vote the right way for the props that are presented for us. I have mixed feelings on the voting today, some of my feelings are: let them run us into the ground because that means Christ will be coming to the earth and closer I am to seeing my Kamber again. Then I realize how selfish that really is. So, no lets vote for who will do the best job because that directly effects my kids lives that still live with me here. I don't want them to suffer tremendously because the events before the second coming of Christ seem to be scary. So pray today before you vote that you will vote for the best choice between the two people. I will be voting today that I am making the best choice for me kids futures and know that Christ will come when the time is right and continue to be patient waiting for my Kamber.

Kamber Shirts

I am so shocked by how many people want a Kamber shirt and run in her memory. I did not expect that many people to participate but, I am happy to have all the support! I have found someone that can make the shirts for about $6.oo a piece. I have one more resource to contact and I am hoping they can do it even cheaper. Regardless the shirts should not be more expensive than $6.00. I posted on the sidebar that I need all those wanting a shirt to let me know your size and how many shirts you want. I need you to contact me through the email on the blog. I will be collecting money before I have shirts made and will let all know of the date that I need the money collected by. All contact needs to be made through email please so I can keep track of everything. Thanks for every ones support!

Exhausted

The past week has been exhausting! Today I feel like I can hardly function nor do I really want to. Emotions can totally whipe you out and I am feeling it. One of my girls named Emily that I taught valiant 10 & 11 yr.olds in my old ward came over yesterday. She found 3 videos on her phone that she had taken of Kamber and my girls one of the nights she babysat. The video was only a few weeks before Kamber died. We got to look at the video and it was sooo good to see Kamber but sooo hard at the same time. It was wonderful to see her move, her facial expressions, and hear her sweet voice. BUT, it is another reminder of what is gone, what we can not see and have to wait a life time to hold. So in other words it is absolutely gut wrenching. It brings so much happiness and pain at the same time. We are so thankful for Emily letting us borrow her phone to try and get the videos off so we can also have them. These are one of the few videos we have of Kamber. We have never been great at remembering to use the camcorder, therefore there are not many videos, which is hard to deal with on its own. Pictures are great, but videos do wonders. So today I am struggling to find happiness, actually part of me is mad again, sad, and frusterated. I'm not sure there is much to make me feel better about our situation, but it is all part of the roller coaster and I know I just have to ride it out. It just stinks that there is nothing that I can do about it, nothing at all.

We Made It

We made it through our first Holiday. I definitely had some sad moments and times I thought I couldn't make it through the day with out Kamber, but we made it. The ward Halloween party went well and thank goodness it is over! Today I feel like I have been hit by a semi truck. Ethan and I were talking about how hard it would have been to have Kamber at the party with us. We would have had to have her on a leash. She would have been gone in no time flat. She is such a busy body and there were lots of fun things to do, that she would have been all over that place. But at the same time not having her there was so hard to. We missed her yesterday, but each day brings us one day closer to being with her again. Sometimes that phrase brings some comfort. One holiday down many more to come, at least now I know I really do survive no matter how hard it is. WE LOVE YOU SWEET KAMBER!

If Time Could Stand Still- Halloween 2007

This is my absolute favorite Halloween picture of Kamber, actually one of my favorite pictures of her, period.

Here is a picture of all the cousins and friends at our yearly chili and cornbread party at my house last year. We do this every year before trick or treating!

Here is Kamber being silly with her sister's, she didn't want to take this picture, but I'm glad I got it.

Oh my, how cute is my little angel in this picture! Here is Kamber with her buddy/cousin Shariden. They are only three months apart and they really enjoyed making messes and having fun together!

Halloween 2007 was a great year. We had our whole family around and we were really enjoying life, everything seemed perfect! Kamber was talking really well and had quite a fun personality. You can see the light just shinning through her. There was never a dull moment with her around and if you were sad, you couldn't help but smile when you saw her sweet face and heard her sweet voice.

We took our pictures and we were off to get some candy! Kamber had her own little bag, her flip flops on and she was ready to go. She took off running with all the kids up to each door for some candy. There were sometimes that she was scered (scared) and I would hold her hand and walk her up to the door. She absolutely loved Halloween and enjoyed shoving as much candy in her mouth as she could while trick or treating. By the end of the night I asked her if she wanted mommy to hold her candy bag while we walked because I could tell she was struggling. She told me no and got a little skip in her step and off she went with a bag almost as big as her. I don't know if she told me no because she was afraid I would eat her candy or if it was that she was determined to be a big girl. Knowing her it was probably both.

I can't tell you enough how much I really loved last year, or how much I miss having Kamber here this year. My heart feels absolutely broken that it physically hurts. I have a lot to endure this day and it feels like it won't end but I know that this day will pass because time doesn't stand still no matter how much we wish it could.

Here I Am

Here I am again in the same place I was yesterday ,the day before, and the day before that. I'm still stuck in this nightmare and the sadness seems to be staying steady for right now. I know it is because I am to encounter a first holiday without Kamber and I have the pressure of the ward Halloween party that I am to put on tomorrow night. It is really hard for me right now to plan something fun when I feel all the fun is just drained right out of me, my heart hurts to bad right now. Who knows maybe the actual day won't be so bad :) :( I don't really know what to expect.
So, about the nightmare I am living in, I feel the fog slowly lifting and giving me little glimpses of the rest of my life and it is at times absolutely unbearable. How the heck am I going to make it through. I was telling Ethan last night that it is like my mind can't totally wrap my brain around it, it is an absolute nightmare. Then Ethan said something that just made sense " Jen, in reality life is the nightmare or bad dream. We will wake up some day and that day will be the day we die and then we will realize that the dream was really small compare to the eternity we get to live in with our family. Then we will realize we made it through the bad dream and it won't matter anymore." I just sat and thought, "how is he so strong and can think like that." So for now I will live this dream and try to have pleasant times during it, but I know I will have nightmares from time to time and try to battle through.

Quotes for Strength

Here are some quotes that I really like and they give me a little strength and uplifting when the world seems to be coming down on me.

"When we give thanks in all things, we see hardships and adversities in the context of the purpose of life... We are meant to learn and grow through opposition, through meeting our challenges, and through teaching others to do the same... the Lord will not only consecrate our afflictions for our gain, but He will use them to bless the lives of countless others."
--Dallin H. Oaks, "Give Thanks in All Things," Ensign, May 2003, 95

"As children of God we are somebody. He will build us, mold us, and magnify us if we will but hold our heads up, our arms out, and walk with him."
--Marvin J. Ashton, "In His Strength," Ensign, July 1973, 24

"Please don't nag yourself with thoughts of failure. Do not set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. Simply do what you can do, in the best way you know, and the Lord will accept of your effort."
--Gordon B. Hinckley, "Rise to the Stature of the Divine within You," Ensign, Nov. 1989, 94

Not wanting to

I feel I need to go ahead and post even though I don't want to. I am starting to notice a pattern in my posts for the past week and it has been mostly sad. Part of me feels bad that my posts have been so sad and I know that there are many that may come to my blog to get some inspiration and I don't feel here lately that I have much to give. We have hit the 3 months mark and Halloween is right around the corner. Up until now I didn't think Halloween was going to have much of an effect on me, but it is. The tears seem to be coming more easily and sadness has been enveloping me more often. The little things in life have seemed to be harder to deal with. So I post today just to have the record of it because eventually I would like to have it made into a journal and something I can look back on and sent down through the generations in my family if they so choose.

Somedays

Somedays I feel I have so much anger and sadness that I am screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. The screaming is in my head not something that I can let out. I know that if others really heard some of my deepest thoughts and let me scream it out maybe they wouldn't want to be around me. That is what is so hard, feeling there are many things you can't just let out or you just can't say. Dealing with the loss of Kamber has tried me to the very core. It is seeing what kind of a person I really am, how deep can I dig. I can feel the pressure somedays, how much can you take? Can you push through the burn? Like a personal trainer that works for ultimate torcher. Somedays are harder than others, but I always push through. I know I just have to cling to the gospel and the things that I know to be true.

Meeting With Angels

We know there are angels in heaven. Our family has one in our immediate family and we feel very lucky., but what about the angels on earth. There are many of them and some I have got to know personally and others I talk with through the Internet. I'm sure many of you may say you know angels on the earth also. You may say that it is your mom, grandma ,sister, or friend and I would agree with you, I have many related to me that I would consider angels on earth also.
I get the privilege of meeting with some angesl tonight, they will be in my home. The angels I am talking about are the moms on the Angel blog I am a part of. These moms would not consider themselves angels and they are some of the most humble people I know. They are angels, they continue to lift one another up as we all struggle with the loss of our angel children. They truck on in life even when they are hurting so much, they continue to raise their families, be a friend and serve others, whether it is in their callings at church or their friends. That counts to me to be an angel on earth. One of these angel moms flew down from Seattle to see her daughter that goes to ASU and another lives right here in Mesa also. I get to be among these great families today and enjoy each others company. I am thankful for these new friends in my life.

Front Doors

Here is the front of my house as you are walking up to it. Everything looks like life would be grand, right? Now concentrate on the door, does it tell you anything? What about when people look at your front door does it tell others anything about your life? Everything from the outside looks great!

In January of this year my husband Ethan just finished building us a beautiful home in which we were hoping to enjoy for a while and then sell to make a little bit of money. This is what Ethan does for a living. He really enjoys construction and runs two business that are really doing pretty well. We have been really blessed in that area, especially since the economy is yucky. So we moved in and from the outside things looked great and the family inside this house was the same. Little did we know that it would all change 7 months down the road. Now when I drive passed my house I think how perfect it looks from the outside and what others might think about the family inside. Maybe they think we have it all together, that life must be grand. I know I have thought that about other people's homes when I drive by. But if they only knew of the sadness behind that big front door. If they only knew of the sweet little girl named Kamber who used to live here. If they could have only met her one time there lives would be slightly changed for a moment because in Kambers eyes they would know how special she thought they were. If they could see through the front door they would see Kambers sisters struggling to understand why their sister is gone. They would see parents crying and trying to pick up the pieces and be strong to make it through. Those driving by don't see the good and sad memories behind the door.

As I look at other homes and concentrate on the front door I now wonder what the story is. What kind of trials is that family going through because we all are. Our lives may be perfect on the outside, but do we really know what is on the inside. I hope one day my outside can match my inside and I can be totally happy.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." Author Unknown
Mindi hope you don't mind me using your poem and Teri thanks for your thoughts about the doors, hope you don't mind:)

Better Morning

Well I hope I don't jinx myself but this morning I didn't wake up feeling the sick in the pit of my stomach. It was not a fun night though, maybe it just moved to bothering me in my sleep instead of the first thing in the morning. Regardless I made it through another night and it was nice not to wake up so sad. So, there is a little blessing in that I don't have to start off my day in a sober mood, I can have a little joy that I hope can build into lots more joy today as I spend time with my family. Life does go on after losing a child, but actually ever getting over it, well that will take this whole earth life. It won't matter anymore once I am with Kamber.
I thought of some things that one can do to help someone who is dealing with a loss of a loved one, especially a child:
_give them hugs, you don't even need to say anything at that point, actions speak louder than words.
_Pray for the ones suffering the loss. I can not express enough how much prayers really work, we definitely felt the power of prayer in a way we have never felt it before. PRAYERS REALLY DO HELP.
-At the beginning meals do help, though they might not get eaten right away, it is nice to have something to pull out at a later time.
-Be willing to ask how they are doing because saying nothing actually hurts more.
-Be willing to listen if the one suffering with the loss just need to talk about the loved one. Here again don't feel like you have to say something wonderful, just listen.
-Be patient. When dealing with a loss it is so easy to be air headed. I know this has got even worse for me. Man you'll never know how air headed I am and if you do have to encounter it then let me apologize in advance.
-Please understand if we cry on a whim and maybe just walk away or have to leave, it will mean the world if you just understand.
-Let us do service, in a funny way it can be healing. Babysitting someones kids is not the right type of service for someone who has lost a child, but bringing dinners or helping in other ways can help. Again try to understand if they just feel they can't do it, in time that will change.
-Please do not compare one loss to another's, it makes you feel that how you are feeling is not okay because in someone else eyes things could be worse. You need to morn regardless of how you lost your loved one.
-Know that saying "they are in a better place" doesn't always bring comfort. Yes it does at times, but other times that doesn't really matter because the loss hurts so bad. Saying "we are grateful for the gospel" is a lot easier to take.
- Be willing to share all memories you have of the loved one regardless if you think it isn't anything big, It just feels good to talk about the happy times of the loved one!

I'm sure I can think of other ways to help someone you love who is suffering a loss. These questions have been asked as I have been informed of others recently suffering loss. I hope these ideas help and hope those going through this difficult time feel the prayers of those praying for them. Love to All!

Sick Feeling

You know that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when something just scared the heck out of you? I seem to know that feeling all to well here lately. This whole week I have woke up with that feeling, the same feeling I felt this first morning after Kamber died. I don't know if I have been dreaming about her and they are sad dreams or if my body is just now realizing the gravity of what has really happened. I feel as though I might be moving out of the denial stage and really grasping the true reality of the situation. The feelings I have felt the past few months are unreal and at times very confusing. I know I have know all along that Kamber is really gone, but it is like my body hasn't. I hate the feeling I have in the morning, but as the day goes on and I have lots to do I go into survivor mode. I go through the day almost as if nothing has even happened, though I know in my mind life is different. This may sound confusing, but in my head it all makes sense. I don't know what to do or how to make it stop. Maybe it is just part of the grieving and there is nothing to make it stop,but just deal because there is nothing to change the outcome.

Questions of a Life Time

It seems this week I am having a harder time dealing with the loss of Kamber. I guess I just have to except it and try to move forward. I think it has been at least two weeks since I was struggling so bad, so I am making some progress. Ethan and I had a great time going to dinner last night and we had some good conversations. Of course we spoke about Kamber, there were
a lot of happy memories that made us laugh and smile. Some in depth questions came up about what is going on since her death. We talked about who will be there waiting for us when we die, if it were to be tomorrow? Well we know for sure KAMBER would be right there waiting, and family members that have died before. Then Ethan asked "Do you think your dad would be there even though he never met me?"
I said "Of course he would, he knows you are my husband and I'm sure he would want to be there." I'm sure he would hug Ethan and introduce himself and be so happy to finally get to spend time with him. Another question is "Do you think Kamber is in the spirit world or with Heavenly Father?" Well in the scriptures it says" Little children that die before the age of accountability go straight to their Heavenly Fathers presence and that is where they reside." What a comfort that is, she is already promised all the blessings of our Heavenly Father , she knows the beginning from the end, she gets the whole picture. We also talked about did we truly understand the sorrow, anguish, and tears that would occur when we said I will go down and take on this life even though these trials are so hard. Did I truly understand or was I so excited just to get a body so I could return to my Heavenly Father that I didn't care because at that time I understood eternity and that the earth life was not eternity. I wonder if I would do it all again if I could see the whole spectrum of things now. I would have to say yes, other wise I wouldn't be going through this now. Many times I wounder why won't Heavenly Father let us see her every once in a while when ever I want, just to hear how things are going. If he would allow that then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to have her gone, or would it? I have seen her and so has Ethan so I know Heavenly Father lets it happen, but times I wish it could be on my terms. I wish I could know what she is doing, does she miss us like we miss her?Oh I hope not I want her to be happy. These are all questions I will have to wait to get the answers on. Patience, Patience, Patience, some thing I am having to work on. Faith in every footstep is what helps us endure!

Happy Anniversary!

Today is Ethan and my anniversary! We have been married for 8 years and it has been great! Eight years really has flown by so fast, I guess that is what happens when you are having fun. Ethan is my best friend and I couldn't ask for a better husband. I never would have thought that in eight years we would already have 4 kids, especially 4 girls! Wow, life is pretty emotional around my house. Having 4 girls has been great and they love each other so much. Ethan is the perfect dad for girls, he loves to play with them and teach them new things. Our girls think their dad is the best and definitely the strongest.

We have had our trials in our eight years of being married, but who knew we would have to endure the worst thing a parent could ever imagine. Our hearts are torn that our beautiful Kamber is gone, but we are lucky enough to feel her presence with us each day. I am grateful that we can rely on each other through our hard times and good times, I think that is part of what makes our marriage so strong. I am thankful we are sealed in the temple for time and all eternity so we can be together as a family. What a beautiful thing Heavenly Father has done for us to allow us to be with our families forever! I love you Ethan more than you'll ever know!

I just Miss Kamber

I just miss this, what is in this picture. I was pregnant with Brookie in this picture and we were at the snow. This time together as a family was great! I miss having Kamber here and today is a Kamber moment. I don't have any inspiring words for myself or others today, I JUST MISS MY KAMBER!

Gratitude

I'm part of an blog that is dedicated to moms who have lost their children at a young age. I am very grateful to have wonderful women that I can confide in and they in me. It is a high price to pay to be a part of this club, but since we have no choice in the matter of having to endure this trial I am grateful to have them. This blog is private, but I would like to share a post given, which was a talk given by President Monson in 2005. I don't know how to set up links yet, so this is how you can enjoy this talk:
-lds.org
-where it says search type 2005 gratitude
-It is labled 2.Profound Power of Gratitude, given by
President Monson
-click and enjoy!
Much is to be learned from this about life, fit for anyone.

Answers

Do we really get answers to all our prayers? The answer is yes. I know there are times I pray and I feel nothing, is this that Heavenly Father is not listening. I have thought about that a lot, what does that mean? Here is an example: A morning not long ago I was really struggling with Kamber being gone, I went into her room and prayed. I wanted to feel her so bad and know she was happy and okay. I cried and begged but yet I felt nothing, I sat and thought for a bit and nothing. I felt alone and wondered why I had to feel nothing, why wasn't Heavenly Father allowing me to feel some sort of comfort? I stood up and started to walk away when I said to myself I already know she is okay and happy. I didn't really need my Heavenly Father to reassure me because I already knew, he let me rely on my faith. So yes he answered my prayer through faith.
Another experience is before Kamber was taken to the hospital by the ambulance Ethan and I went in our room and said a prayer. Ethan prayed that Kamber would be okay and that we would except it. Was there an answer to our prayer? Many might say no, because Kamber died now we have to go through life without her. Well, as horrible as it is to go through life without her and endure this horror there was still an answer. Kamber is okay, she is in our Heavenly Fathers arms, he was right there when she passed on and so where many family members who were waiting to see her. She wasn't alone and she was comforted and Heavenly Father has allowed her to comfort our family. Sometimes we have to know Heavenly Father knows what is best for us.It was his will that Kamber was taken to be with him. Maybe it was a huge blessing, who knows what might have happened if she were to stay. Maybe something horrible would have happened, or maybe she was taken because she learned all she needed to on earth and she would always continue to have a huge impact on others. I know many have been touched by our experience and my family truly continues to feel her, she is not gone and I know never will be.
Heavenly Father always answers our prayers and sometimes it is in a way that we don't like or understand or on the time frame that we want, but remember it is his will and he knows what's best. It doesn't mean you have to always be happy about it and you might struggle with the answers like I have, but deep down we know we have to rely in our faith and try to understand it the best we can. All will be revealed in do time and when it is best for us.
Love to all and hope this helps those who may be struggling with similar questions. These are my thoughts and feelings.

Another First

Well I hit another first, I put Brookie in the crib in Kambers room last night. Let me explain why this is so hard. After loosing Kamber and at a young age it has made me worry a lot because now I really know that I have no control over when anyone is taken from this earth. I always tried to keep my girls safe and was almost paranoid about their safety. I never thought if anything happened to them it wouldn't be on my watch or at my home. Well it can happen on any ones watch no matter how safe you are. I have been so worried that I will have to live the same fate that I have with Kamber, but with another one of my girls and in a different way. I have worried what if tonight is Brookies last night and I didn't hold her enough or I didn't spend that last night with her by my side next to my bed where I could be there right away or sense something was wrong. I check on my girls often through the night just to make sure they are still breathing. Last night I decided I'm not letting the paranoia consume me for tonight. I laid Brookie down in Kambers crib and soon she was fast asleep. She just looked so comfy in a bed she can roll around in. I made in through the night, I have to admit that I did check on her a couple of times, but that is okay it just validated that she was okay and eventually I won't worry so much.
I know some people expect us to be over the loss of Kamber and would think we would just move on that there is nothing we can do about it. Yes, there is nothing we can do about it, but do you put a price on your child's head? This is something we will deal with for the rest of our lives and the first year is really hard with all the firsts that we have to do with out Kamber. Last night was one of those firsts. It was different walking in the room to get Brookie and not Kamber, this morning it was different to hear Brookie in there making noises and not Kamber yelling maama or daada! I was sad not to hear her voice, but I just laid there remembering the sound of her sweet voice and then just listened to the sweet voice of a sweet little girl who was really in the room. I will soon hear my name called by a little girl, the voice my be different be there is a similarity because they are sisters. One day I will hear the sweet voice of Kamber calling my name and it will be beautiful, for now I try to enjoy all the sweetness of my girls here with me.

Quiet House

I have spent more time at home the past couple of days and the house is so quiet. It is actually to quiet, especially when Brookie goes down for a nap. I use to look forward to quiet time when Kamber was still around, but now I almost dread that time. I continue to try and find things to keep me busy, but there is only so much cleaning you can handle in one day, so there are times I just sit and think. I try not to let my thoughts get to deep because that is when the flash backs and if only's start to creep back into my mind and they do nothing but upset me. I find I try to focus on the positive and the great times I had with Kamber. One of my favorite times was rocking Kamber to sleep for her nap time during the day. Dora was always on at 12:30, so I would put it on the t.v. in the family room and hold her with her inky and watch Dora till she would fall asleep. It wouldn't take long before she was out no matter how hard she would fight not falling asleep. I would just hold her a while longer and run my fingers threw her blond hair and kiss her soft cheeks. I loved the smell of her skin and to touch her sweet little toes, thinking how perfect she was and what a fun sweet little girls she is. I miss those times just getting to enjoy her in my arms because when she was awake I spent my time chasing after her and cleaning up messes.
So at times I am thankful for my quiet house and the thoughts and memories that I have of Kamber!

Run In Memory of Kamber

Here is some more info:
-10k run is 6.2 miles, it sounds worse than it is, just know you don't even have to run it, many people walk it.
-The run is on Thanksgiving morning, therefore feel free to eat more pie!
-There is an entry fee, if I remember right it is $18.
-I am going to find the pricing on shirts, let me know if any are interested in one.

I'm excited to do this run and more the merrier! Running is becoming very therapeutic for me. This morning I was angry that Kamber is gone. I was mad that I don't get to go in her room and hold her and that there is no longer" Go Diego Go" playing on the t.v. I feel tired of dealing with the sadness and having to endure. It is just not fair, so I went in on the treadmill and ran my heart out. The more angry I felt the faster I ran, it was good! I now feel better, ready to handle what I have to face today.
Thanks to all that are wanting to participate in memory of Kamber!

Run for Kamber

I'm sad to report that I will not be doing the mini-triathalon in Casa Grande on the 1st of November. My life is a little out of control and I need to get my priorities straight. My husband and I have been put into the Activities Chair in our ward. That's right we are in charge of the parties in our ward and yes it is crazy busy right now because it is just before the two biggest parties of the year. Therefore I have not been able to prepare myself the way I need to for the race. Frankly I have days that I don't even want to exercise or even function. We have been sick and there are just to many things going on that it just is not going to work.
I am still going to run the Turkey Trot! Those of you that don't know what it is, It is a 10k run! I have done it once before and I have to say I was not very fast but I did not stop the whole time and that was my goal. I really enjoyed it and I am looking forward to doing it this year! My run this year is in memory of Kamber and I feel I can do anything for my girls. Any that would like to participate come join the fun! You can run, walk, and even roller blade this event. I saw lots of people doing a little of everything, they even brought their kids along. So come with me if you would like! I am thinking of having shirts made but for now it is just a thought. Hope to see you there and enjoy a run in memory of a sweet girl who loved everyone.

3 to 6 months

The first 3 to 6 months after a loved one passes away those that are mourning are in a state of denial. At least that I what I have heard, and I have to say for me it is partly true. I do find myself walking around wondering if this is really how it is going to be for the rest of my life here on earth. It is like my brain just can't fathom that Kamber really isn't here and won't ever be here for the rest of my earth life. I just doesn't seem possible that this is really true. These thoughts and feelings are so weird to experience. I have noticed since Kamber died that my brain is total mush. I was an airhead before, but man am I one now. I sure you all can tell by the quirky things I say in my posts and my spelling from time to time. It seems that even the simple things are so hard for me to do now. I have so many good intentions and ideas and I just can't focus on them long enough to get them done. Thank goodness I have family that is so understanding of my airhead things I do.
So am I in denial or is it that I just don't feel that Kamber is that far away? I feel as though she never left, even though we don't see her or hear her we can still feel her sweet spirit here with us. There are times I feel her a little more distant, but never to far that I feel she is completely gone. Maybe this is Heavenly Fathers way of helping us cope with her loss and showing us he never leaves us alone. It is a pure love he gives us and I am grateful he allows us to still feel our sweet Kamber with us always.

I Don't Know Everything But I Know Enough

I am grateful for testimony meeting in our ward today. The spirit was so strong and I knew the things that were being said were true. A girl spoke about a talk given during conference that was titled "I Don't Know Everything But I Know Enough." This talk touched my heart also. I really don't know everything, but I feel I do know enough to know this gospel is true. I know my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, and that I am a daughter of God. I'm thankful for thy son Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me. I am grateful for the prophet of our church Pres. Monson that leads and guides our church under the direction of Christ. I'm grateful for temples and that I am sealed to my family. I'm grateful for eternal families and knowing we will be together as a family for eternity. I'm grateful for the scriptures and the many things that can be learned from them. I'm grateful for the power of prayer and priesthood blessings. I'm grateful for these things and blessings in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Biker Chick?

Well, today we have rented a Harley for our brother in laws b-day. This was something Candi wanted to do for a surprise for her husband BJ. I have to say I was terrified of getting on a motorcycle, but I am having so much fun. Our bike looks a little bit like a crotch rocket and I love getting to have my arms wrapped around Ethan and holding tight. This also is parallel to my life, Ethan is my anchor and I hold tight to him to feel comfort and love. He is a rock and I am so grateful I have him to help me see the blessings and beauty of life even after Kamber has passed. When I think I can't go on he is right there to pick me back up. Our girls are so lucky to have him as a dad, and they think he is a superhero. Ethan once said as a joke to the girls "would you ever want another dad or is daddy lots of fun?" Kylie responded " Then I wouldn't have the strongest dad in the world." Ethan loves his family especially his little girls. If you ever saw Ethan with Kamber you would know the true love there is between them. There is something special about a Father and his girls. We are thankful for Ethan and I know Kamber can't wait to hold tight to her daddy again!
Happy Birthday BJ!

Learning

Since Kamber has passed away I am learning new things. I am finding who I am, I feel I some what knew myself before, but it has changed since this challenge has change me. I have always tried to live my life to be Christ like. I feel now I strive even harder to be that way and treat others the way I would like to be treated. I have also learned to speak up for myself and not let others walk all over me. I find myself wanting to learn all I can about life and the gospel. I am trying to learn how to be more of a missionary and let others see what a blessing it is to have christ be a part of our life. I try to do things that let me walk along side of Kamber and her mission beyond the veil, I know I will make mistakes along the way and hope others will forgive me. I am starting to see the big picture in life and realize the importance of our earth life and how important it is to prove ourselves worthy of making it back to our Heavenly Father. I now have a special child waiting for me and our family.
Along with learning about myself I am learning to do new things. I have learned to make burp cloths, patch work blankets, personalize baby clothing, and more. Also I am learning how to be more thrifty do to the economy, thanks to my mother and sister in law that find great smokin' deals, they really know how to shop and make their dollar stretch. I really enjoy my time with them.These things I have learned help bring some happiness to my life. I am finding I want to soak up all I can. All kinds of learning can come from hard things and I feel that is a gift that Heavenly Father gives us. We as a family have made a huge sacrifice and we are enduring a great amount of sorrow and pain, but Heavenly Father gives help with tender mercies to ease our sadness and I am thankful for it. I love my Father in Heaven and my family and thankful for each one of our tender mercies.
Happy Birthday to Trent and Troy my cutie newphews!

Thanks!

Thanks for the comments yesterday and showing you care. I know it may be hard at times to read my posts, but thanks for stinking in there with me. Some days are really hard and others I have pure joy and it is much easier excepting what has happened. I have to say I have more days of happiness than I do sadness, but there are days that the pain seems as intense as the day Kamber past away. No matter what, my faith in Christ does not move, I stand strong in the knowledge of the gospel and knowing one day I will be with Kamber and my family for all eternity! Most days I can choose to be happy even when I feel sadness coming on and other days I just need to feel the pain, it helps to let it all out. Even though yesterday I felt the pain and had sadness in my heart I am still able to function and maybe if you saw me you wouldn't even know I was hurting. I choose to do my crying when I am alone and can fall to my knees and pray, this does help. Maybe you can see the roller coaster that grief does to a person, you don't move from one stage to the other, you are actually up and down, up and down. Usually when you think you are okay is when you are slammed down again. I'm sure there are many who have had to go through grief and understand what I am saying. Today I am feeling better, not totally out of the woods, but a lot better. Thank goodness for my girls and my husband, they definitely bring so much joy to my life!

Empty Room

As I was putting my girls to bed I walked past Kambers room. I still have not put Brookie there, but feel I soon will. I looked into her room and just stared at her bed with no child in it. A sweet little girl with beautiful blond hair should be in there sound asleep, but it is empty. I just looked on remembering what she looked like as I would watch her sleep snuggled with her blanket. I loved checking on her each night. I would kiss her and tell her how much I loved her even though she was fast asleep. Do you know what it is like to look into an empty room where your child once played and laid her sweet head down to sleep? Do you understand the pain that it causes a mom not to hold their child anymore? What about the thought that the last kiss you gave your child you had to walk away knowing you will not get to do that again for a long time? These were my thoughts last night, does anyone truly understand how much it really does hurt? The answer is no, not till you have been there. What about when your children that are still alive and they are sad about their sister that can't come back no matter how much they want her to, watching their tears and knowing there is nothing you can say to change the outcome. I do the best I can and hold them and reassure them that daddy and I love them and the Kamber loves them. They will get to be with her again, but it is hard to explain why it has to be a long time.
These are my thoughts, these are my feelings. Does anyone really understand? YES, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ totally understand, moms that lose their children totally understand. I am grateful for family and friends that stand by my side trying to ease the pain and I have to say they definitely help. There is no way I could make it through with out them. I know I can't be there for them the way I would like and that things are a little different, but through it all they are so understanding. Thanks to all of you for just being by my side even though you don't understand all the true emotions of how I really feel. Thanks for not turning and walking away.

Fine Line Between Love and Hate

Last Night I took Brookie to the doctor. She has been so fussy and didn't seem to be feeling well. There was a mother standing with her little boy in her arms. I'm guessing he was around
2 1/2 to 3 years old. He had blond longer hair and he just held on to his mom. Brookie was sleeping in her car seat as I watched this mom hold and care for her little boy. This brought back a memory of one of the last times I brought Kamber to the doctor in the evening. She had a fever and was so sick, I held her in my arms snuggling her and loving her in hopes she would feel better. As soon as she saw other kids she wanted to play with them and show off for the crowd. She tried and then soon she would come back to me wanting me to hold her. I was so sad she was so miserable, but I kind of liked the fact that I had that time that she wanted only me and needed me. After we left the doctors office we went to the pharmacy and waited for the medicine
to be done. We found a vibrating chair that was out to try and we took turns sitting in it. Kamber thought this chair was so neat.
Though I'm glad that Kamber no longer has to go through hard times and be sick I miss my one on one time with her. I notice that any child her age reminds me of her. At times a sadness envelops me and I think I can not stand this any longer. I have always been taught not to use the word HATE, but I feel that word perfectly describes how I feel about Kamber being gone. I HATE that I can't hold her and have her physically here, but I LOVE that I know she is with my Heavenly Father and others that love her. I LOVE knowing I will get to see her again, raise her and that we will be together and a family for eternity. There is a fine line between love and hate, I can HATE the situation and LOVE the blessings. I think it is what you do between the line that makes all the difference.

Our Hands

The day that we dressed Kamber at the mortuary Ethan and I went down 2 hours before our family came. We wanted to be with Kamber for a while on our own and to do somethings very special with her to have a sweet memory. We had a hand molding done of Ethan and I holding Kambers hand. This was another sweet moment to have with our beautiful daughter. We wanted to hold on to one of the last moments we would have to hold our little Kambers hand. What a blessing it is to have this molding and knowing that this is truly her hand. There will come a day that we together get to hold Kambers hand again and it will fit so perfect as it did that day. We were so excited to receive it, but at the same time it brought back an out pouring of emotions for the next couple of days feeling the loss of Kamber. Just when you think you might have your emotions under control it is amazing how little things can slam you to the ground again. I love this molding and I will forever cherish it, thanks to Deanne for this wonderful gift.
The plaque says :

In Loving Memory of

Kamberlie Ann Larsen

February 10, 2006- July 25, 2008

" A parent holds their child's hand for a short while

but their heart forever."

Ethans hand is on the right with Kamber holding his index finger, mine is on the left holding part of Kambers hand, and Kambers hand is in the middle.

Joy in the Journey!

Today is another day of confrence! President Monson spoke of change in our lives. I love hearing him talk and his words are always so comforting and sweet. He taught no matter the change in life try to take joy in the journey. My eyes teared up, that comment is so true. Losing Kamber has absolutely ripped our hearts out and breathing even seems difficult, but we do need to find joy in the journey. Life goes on and we know with out a shadow of a doubt that we will be together as a family again. So that said we need to find joy in our journey so there are no regrets, live in the moment, live in a way that we are ready to see our Heavenly Father and that we won't be sad that we didn't just enjoy each other while we were here on earth. I'm so grateful to have the gospel in my life. I'm thankful for thy son Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me. I'm thankful for prophets today lead by our Heavenly Father. I love my family and thankful that no matter what happens we will always try to find joy in the journey!

Confrence

Conference is this weekend and I am so happy! I enjoy watching conference, but this time I am excited. I have been so eager to hear what our prophet and leaders have to say and what inspirations I get to learn from. The sessions today were great and I particularly loved Worthlin and Holland's talk. Laugh at adversity and endure, Angels are at our side, Christ never leaves us alone were these sweet men's subjects. I felt the spirit so strong and thankful for guidance given throughout this day. I am grateful for today and excited for what tomorrow brings!

Blessings

So many blessings come from hard trials. Some blessings we have to look for and others are right in front of our face. This has rung so true for our little family. Is it fair that I have lost one of my sweet little girls and others do not have to lose one of their children? NO, but is it fair that I have had beautiful blessings and wonderful spiritual experiences that others may never get to experience? If we as a family wouldn't have had to go through this trial then we may not have had the opportunity to experience the tender mercies in our lives. It is still hard for me at times to see other kids Kambers age playing and getting to run into their mothers arms and give them a hug. I miss these experiences with my Kamber. I just have to wait a little longer for my hug and kisses, I take that back I feel her love everyday and I think the day that I get to hug and kiss her and feel her little body in my arms it may be even more wonderful that it did here on earth. For today I can smile thinking about it and rejoice in it.
Thanks for the memories and please continue to send any memories!

Kamber

Memories

We as a family have so many memories of Kamber. Even though we only had her for short 2 1/2 years there are so many special memories we have of her. She was vibrant and full of life. She could put a smile on my face whether I was sad or mad. She had the sweetest voice to match her fun personality. Life was so incredibly fun with her here, there was a lot of action taking place in our home. One of my favorite memories of Kamber was Ethan teaching her to do the animal sound. She loved to do it and we loved to hear it, I wish I had a tape of her doing these sounds, it would always make us laugh. When Ethan would have her do the sound of the piggy, she would snort so hard you would think her nose would hurt, but she would do it over and over just to see us laugh. Words can't even describe how much I miss having her here. What I wouldn't give just to hug her one more time. Now all my hugs I have to leave to my Heavenly Father and family members who have passed before. I know they let her know of my love for her and I know she can feel it to. I have felt her comfort many times and know those are hugs from her.
I feel that Kamber comes and visits Brookie often. I put Brookie right in front of one of the pictures we have of Kamber and she just laughed and touched the picture, she almost looked as if she was trying to talk. She would look at Kamber, smile, laugh, look at me and smile and then back at Kamber grabbing at the picture. I know Brookie knows who Kamber is and probably knows her better than me. Like I have said in a earlier post" Little Children are so Special. "
I would like to ask a favor of you. If you have any memories of Kamber please write about them for me. You are welcome to post them as a comment on the blog or email them to me at: kampers2@gmail.com Notice the email is not spelled Kamber the "b" is replaced by a "p". The name Kamper was Kambers nickname. Thanks!

If any of you know how to get photobucket slide shows on to the blog please let me know, I can't figure it out! Thanks

Overwelmed

I just recently had another scare of a lifetime, something that could have changed my life dramatically. Everything is okay, but what a reality check. I feel almost out of body here lately, like my life is not really my life. I have been keeping myself busy trying to tend to my family, do my church calling, comfort others that need it, and set boundaries with others that cause absolute chaos in my life. We as people often wonder are we doing enough? I now think there comes a time when you can do to much. Life can get so out of whack and next thing you know things can get swiped right out from under you. I feel I now need to learn how not to spread myself so thin that I can't even think straight and not to feel guilt when I can't be right there for another person. I also need to remind myself constantly "One Day at a Time." I know many people are struggling with life because of the times. Take it one day at a time don't feel guilty if you don't get to everything you thought you should have that day. Don't feel guilty if you couldn't be by someones side right when you thought they needed it. Every thing in moderation, that is what we in the church are taught. I think that can apply to ourselves also. Don't do so much that you forget who you are and it might take something dramatic to wake you up. Charity is the pure love of Christ. I know you will draw closer to him through charity, just remember Heavenly Father only asks you to do what you can and he'll make up for the rest. You will know deep in your heart if your doing all you can and if you are being reasonable about it. Put faith in yourself!
Remember my post are things I try to teach myself and things I need to hear. I hope my posts don't ever offend those that read.