The Love For Our Children

Yesterday Ethan and I met with a man about getting new medical insurance. He was a very kind man probably in his 50's. He moved from New York a couple of years ago and says that he really enjoys being here in Arizona. I don't understand it when it is so hot here but he and his wife seem to not mind it much.

He did a really good job presenting his company to us and giving all the details. He continued to move on and then we were to the subject of how the insurance would cover in case of an accident. Before I knew it the loss of Kamber came up and he was dead silent. I didn't want to look over at him because it was just silent. Was he in some kind of shock, did he not know what to say? Then I thought, "bad idea" shouldn't have mentioned it. Then out of the silence I heard him say in a sympathizing voice I lost my 20 year old son 2 years ago... I looked at him and his eyes fell to the floor as it seemed he was trying to compose himself. Ethan and I both looked at him and said I am sorry. Here this family is 2 years out and saying that their son died out loud to others still brings back some sad feelings. You could see how much he misses his son and loves him. But it seems that after that moment he was able to continue on as before just like we have to move on in life even thought we may not want to.

I miss Kamber everyday. Sometimes I am able to pull myself out of the sadness and continue to do the things I need to through out the day and then other times I need my moment to really feel. Sometimes that moment lasts a few hours, days or even a week, but some how I keep moving on. I look back on the day her accident happened ane wondered how I even left the hospital that day without her. How did I leave the cemetery the day we buried her? How do I continue to move on with out her? Here is the answer... I was carried and continue to be carried the whole way with angels by my side. Very dear loved one have passed away in my life and have left me sad and feeling abandoned but sometimes I wonder if really I am the lucky one. I have these special angels fighting for me on the other side.

Mom of the Year award? Ha Ha Ha!

One of my friends Sarah Stephens nominated me for Mom of the Year Award a while back. I have taken my time to get it done but here it is. Thanks Sarah!

Here are the rules I have to follow in order to receive the award:

Admit one thing you feel awful about involving being a mom. Get it off your shoulders. Once you've written it down, you are no longer allowed to feel bad. It's over with, it's in the past. Remember, you're a good mom!

When my kids are telling me a story I have a hard time listening to the whole thing since they tell me every single detail. I try to hurry them along and give me the short version. That sounds even worse now that I have written it down, geese. Thank goodness it is in the past, according to the rules. :)

Remind yourself you are a good mom, list seven things you love about your kids, you love doing with your kids, or that your kids love about you. These are the things to remind yourself everyday that you Rock!

1. I love taking the girls swimming.

2. I enjoy buying the clothes that they look so dang cute in!

3. I wake my girls in the morning with a song and an enthusiastic GOOD MORNING! I want them to always know I am happy to see them.

4. We love to exercise together.

5. I love that they are each others best friends.

6. I love that each one of them have my blue eyes. That is the only thing that they have of mine.

7. I am proud to be their Mom because I think they are the BEST!

Send this to five other Mom's of the year that deserve credit for being great moms and remind them that they are the best moms they can be!! Remember to send them a note to let them know you've selected them, and add a link to the person who nominated you.

I nominate the following 4 blogging moms:

Mindi Moser

Teri Larsen

Candi Wootan

Annie Larsen

Arizona Angel blog Mommies :)

Mother's Day

The day has finally arrived and I think that I got all the emotions out ahead of time. The day so far has been nice. I feel the love of my children and husband. I am so grateful to be a mother, it is something that I take pride in. My children are my world and what I live for each and every day. There is no greater calling than being a mother. I takes a lot of sacrifice but well worth it. There is nothing better than hearing I Love You from one of your children. I love watching them learn and grow. I love seeing them happy especially when we are together as a family.

As you know one of our daughters is not physically here with us but I can feel her near. I hope she is happy of me as her mother. I miss getting to see her here with our other girls and feeling her warm hug around my shoulders and kisses on my cheeks but the images in my head will have to do for now. I am wearing purple today as a remembrance of what is missing but is still near to my heart and our families heart. I have put Brookie in some of Kambers clothes (ones that would have been passed down to her anyways) to remind me that Kamber was real, I really did have the privilege of having her in my life even though it was to brief for me. The clothes are a remembrance but the child inside the clothes is our hope. Brookie brings hope and joy to our families life. We are all so grateful to have her especially Tayler and Kylie. I think they would be lost if they didn't have a little sister to play with.

I love all my girls and I am so grateful to have each of them. They each are unique and special to me. They each play a special role in our family. I love you girls with all my Heart.

Shout out to my Mom and Mom in law. HAPPY MOTHER DAY! Thanks for always being there for me and my family!

Maybe Not the best Idea

I keep telling myself, tell the truth. This blog is so others can see the real side to loosing a child not just the side that is strong. Tell the truth! So here it is...

I have been sooo sad. I have kept myself distracted by reading the Twilight books which have been great! But maybe not the best idea, I can't really tell. I think at the time I needed the distraction but maybe it distracted me to much. I haven't let myself deal with the pains that I feel about Kamber. Instead of facing them head on I just dove into the books letting myself live in a fantasy world which I loved. I didn't have to think just read, read, read all along knowing what I was running from. I have slowly closed myself out to the world and not really caring. I don't call anyone or talk to my friends. I am too vulnerable right now, I can barely talk to my husband about how I feel. My feeling are not happy, they are ugly. I don't want to know how much harder someone else has it right now, I don't want to think about anyone else. I just miss my sweet girl.

Can I just tell you how much I love my family? I love them to death and I am talking about all of them. We had them all over last night except for Spencer, Annie and their cute boys, who we all miss. Everyone came over for dinner and it was a blast. They all stayed for a while and the kids all played out back. I had so much fun watching my nieces and nephews all play together. I can't tell you how much I love each and every one of them. It makes me so happy to see them play together and hear them laugh. But through it all I kept watching and searching for Kamber. I knew what she would be acting like, I could hear her in my memory how she would have laughed and spoke as she played with her sisters and cousins. My heart broke and swelled at the same time as I watched my sweet family, all of them. So much bittersweet to life. Will I ever find just the sweetness again?

As you all know Mother's Day is coming. Oh how I dread it this year. I just want it to go away. I do want to celebrate my mom and how much I love and am thankful for her. I also want to celebrate my mother in law and show that I love her too and that I am thankful for her love and kindness shown to my family. I just don't want to celebrate it for myself, I can't even think of it with out tearing up. I always get pictures of my girls and it makes me sick to think about it this year. There is one missing! AHHHH! Sometimes I just wish I didn't even exsist. It that bad to say? But I do. I live for my girls that are still living with me that I love more than anything. I do for my husband that is my world. For my family that sticks by me. I live for my angel child that encourages me to be better. I exsist to win this fight to reaturn to my Father in Heaven and live with my family for eternity.

Distraction

I mentioned before that I had watched the movie Twilight. Well, now I have started reading the series. Actually I started a week ago and I am now on the last book. I have read the books as often as I could which is not as often as I would like since I have kids that need some of my attention too.
I have been so enthralled with the books and it has been a nice distraction from my real life. There have been days that I have been sad about Kamber this week but it has been nice to not have to focus on it. Instead I have consumed myself in the books. It is nice to have something to distract me for a while and save me from myself.
I am grateful for the little outlets in my life and from a husband that understands when I need time alone. I think I may have found a new hobby that I like. I never thought that I would like to read but I think that is changing. :)

Remembering an Interesting Conversation with a Little Fishy

I don't know exactly why I am remembering these thoughts from when Kamber was around. Maybe it is because most my prayers to my Heavenly Father have been about how lost I feel. I cling to the faith that I have and struggle to fully trust my Heavenly Father again. I know he understands my feelings and is grateful that I turn to him. I have to say that my relationship with him is probably closer than it has ever been but distant all at the same time. I find that when I pray I talk to him as if he were sitting right next to me. For once I really tell him how I really feel, all the emotions that I have and that I wouldn't tell anyone else. At the same time I find myself angry at him and not sure if I really trust him. Not that I feel he took Kamber from me to be mean but just knowing that if he needs another person in my life that he can take them away too. But with all these feelings, I Love Him.

So back to my thoughts and conversations that I have been remembering lately. One of the last times I took Kamber swimming she was being her usual self. Jumping off the side of the pool, going down the slide like a big kid and laughing. It was routine that she would sneak and take off her floaties and hurry and jump in the pool because she really thought that she could swim. I was always there to grab her and make her put her floaties on. This last time I was constantly getting after her for trying to take her floaties off. She successfully did one time and went down the slide with no floaties on. That was it, I had had it with getting after her and she was scaring me. So no more swimming for that day. I took her into her room to get her out of her swim suit and she was dancing around and laughing.
Here is our talk:

Me: Kamber you have to wear your floaties in the pool.
Kamber: Nooo
Me: Yes, Do you want to drown?
Kamber: YES!
Me: NO you don't that means you die and I would be so sad and cry and cry and cry. I couldn't take it if you were gone. I love YOU!
Kamber: K!

I got her dressed and didn't think of that conversation again.

Now I'm not saying that she wanted to drown or that it was an insight to what was to happen a sort time later. I just thought it was interesting. Who know that one of my worst fears would come true. And yes I am sooo sad and cry and cry and cry, there are times I think I can't take it.

Things to Remember

Today as I was exercising I had Brookie crawling all around me making it as difficult as she could. I kept having to step over her and try to escape her grabby hands. My thoughts turned to Kamber as I remembered how hard she made it for me to exercise also. Kamber would always crawl all over me when she was little and then as she got older she would mimic anything I would do. It was so cute to watch her do the exercises with me. As she grew she loved to be with me in what ever I was doing and when she got bored she was off to making another mess as quietly as she could. I have a feeling those days are coming soon with Brookie. There will be many new memories of Kamber to come through her growing little sister.

Then a new thought of Kamber came to my mind. I started cleaning this big home that I dread keeping clean. I was thinking of each room in this house and what rooms I dread cleaning the most. I would have to say that my room and Kylie's take the top. Then I thought of when I lived in our other home how fast it was to clean since it was smaller. I could run through that house in a hour and it was all clean and I would wish for a bigger home. I pften wondered if I would ever move to a different home. When we started building this home I couldn't wait to spend sometime here enjoying more room. Now I look back at the excitement this home brought but now I think of the sadness and joy that this home brings. Before we moved here I remember that I couldn't get Kamber to sleep completely through the night. She was almost two and I had another baby on the way and I was desperately wanting a good night sleep. The first night we moved in to this new home was the first time Kamber slept through the night and she did from then on. She must have felt comfortable in our new home. She would even put herself to sleep for naps and bedtime on occasion. I look back now and realize how happy she was here. For awhile now I have wondered if we made the right decision to move here and if Kamber would still be alive if we hadn't. I don't know the answer to that question in my heart quite yet but at times I feel peace with the answer of yes to the move and no Kamber probably still wouldn't be here if we had not moved. There are many times that I feel that it was her time to go and she would have been taken another way. But times it is hard to realize that because I felt that I was doing a good job being her mother and that I loved her enough. So it doesn't make sense that somewhere else would be a better place for her to be, even if that is in heaven.

I just wanted to record my thoughts today and remember that Kamber was at peace in this home and that at one time I felt the same way. Maybe someday I will feel that constant peace again.

Dreams

Last night I must have slept really hard because I don't think I even moved. I went to bed last night feeling a little sad knowing that my husband was having a little bit of a hard time. He misses his little girl.

I fell into a deep sleep and then the dream began. I was playing outside with my kids as my life is now. Kamber was not in it. We had some friends kids over playing with us. From out of the blue my friends youngest child was gone. We looked every where for her. Of course the first place even in my dream was the pool. I searched and searched that pool only to find baby dolls at the bottom. Then there was this huge waterfall that appeared out of no where but in my dream it was in my backyard that some how grew 5 acres. We had many people searching the waterfall and pond. No little girl. I was relieved that she was not in there but it was constantly in the back of my mind as we searched for this little girl. I was sure she probably drown and I was sick to my stomach.

After we searched the streets and every where we could think of I had to tell her mom that she had been kidnapped. I was so sad and sick that my friend had to see what it felt like to miss one of her children. I cried and cried knowing that she and her family were worried about there little girl. Guilt overcame me and it was really hard to endure knowing she was lost on my watch. But for some reason in the back of my mind there was hope that this little girl would be found. I kept saying to myself Heavenly Father will help us find her, I know she will be found. But even with the police involved she could not be found, but we would not give up.

Finally there was a lead to who took her and this person had taken a couple of other little children also. Next thing I knew the police chase was on and they had captured the person that took the kids. All of our friends got on bikes to ride down to where the little children were found. My friends made a huge bow to put on my bike so I could ride for Kamber since I was not going to be reunited with her since she had died. I was so happy for my friend knowing that she did not have to go her whole life without her sweet daughter, that it was just one day. I could not wait for her to hold her little girl in her arms again and I could not wait to see her also.

When we got down to where the children were there were a bunch of people holding pink balloons for the little girls that were taken. I saw my friend and her little girl reunited and it was wonderful. Tears poured down my face for them. I couldn't believe how happy I was for them knowing that my life would not change, I could not have Kamber back in this life time. Then out of the blue I just thought I would ask, "Is Kamber here?" To my surprise the answer was YES! I took off running towards the crowd of kids yelling her name. Then out of the middle of the kids a beautiful blond haired girl came running at me with her arms open yelling MOMMY! She jumped in my arms and we both cried because we love each other so much. I knew it was but a moment but that some day it will be forever.

I miss my sweet girl

I miss my blond haired beauty. I don't feel depressed about it today nor do I feel that I am going to cry, I just miss her. I miss seeing her run around me in circles and hearing her talk. But today I feel I can endure the missing since I have to. I feel that she is near, not to far today. I know that she is happy and doing important work. Maybe since I feel her a little closer today, it is because she misses me too and she just wants to be near. Maybe she misses me picking her up and kissing her cheeks. Maybe she misses me telling her I love her and adoring her. Maybe it is missing me smile at her because of how happy she makes me and that makes her smile. A smile is a little harder to come by most days but I feel today I can even though I miss Kamber. I hope she can feel how much we all love her and can't wait to be with her again.

Kamber, we love and miss you sweet heart. I can feel you near, please know you make me happy!

Happy Birthday to Kamber's Daddy and my sweet Husband!

A sence of Normal or maybe Not

So I have heard so much of the book and movie Twilight. It seemed everyone was enthralled with the book right around the time Kamber died. I actually hadn't heard of it till just a few days after. I was asked by many people if I had read the book and even months after have been asked. To be honest my answer was always no. One because I hadn't read it and two because how could I even think of enjoying something at that particular time. My world was broken and reality had hit really hard. I often thought to myself how are so many people so consumed with this book about a vampire love story when there is so much more meaning to life. There are so many more productive things to do with our lives, like spend time with our kids. At the time this is all that consumed my thoughts and energy. I had just lost one of my precious children how could life even be going on? How could I ever enjoy anything again?

If I read a book it was to learn more about the gospel or life after death and wanted to know everything. I was a sponge willing to soak up anything that would help my heart not to hurt so bad. I wanted somehting to mend the pain, maybe even bring her back or wake me from the bad dream. Day in and day out I couldn't find what I was looking for everything seemed to fall short and still does to this day. But I will have to say that a new sense of normal is creeping back into our lives and I can find joy in some things.

After confrence yesterday I watched the movie Twilight to see what all the fuss was about. I was sucked in. Edward, need I say more? Not someone I would normally be intreged with by looks alone but as the movie played on I began to like this Edward. Something about those eyes and the desire he has for Bella, a desire that I think we all wish that our husbands have for us.

I have to say that Ethan is my Edward. One of the first things that I was drawn to were his eyes and the mysertious side to him. Just one time looking into his eyes I was hooked. I loved that there was a mysterious side to him, a little bit of a bad boy. And bad is probably the wrong word since he wasn't bad just fun and a little crazy. He made my heart melt and still has a way to do that for me now. Just as Bella said she wants to live with Edward forever, I am glad that I get to live with Ethan forever!

Needless to say I will be reading the books and I guess it is okay to enjoy some of what life has to offer.

Sissy's Song

Has anyone heard this song by Alan Jackson? This song is so beautiful! My sister told me about it a month ago but I didn't have time to listen to it and then it just fled my mind. Yesterday my sister in law Mindi called and told me I had to listen to a song, that I would love it. I had time to jump on the computer and pull it up. This was the song that struck straight to the heart.

This song talks about my grief and the beauty of passing on. A couple of lines that I really love say:
she flew up to heaven
on wings of angels
and she walks with Jesus

I truly believe that she flew up to heaven with angels. I know with out a doubt that family that has past on were their at her side. She was not alone, she was greeted with loved ones. I also know that she walks with Jesus. She is with him and how special is that! There is beauty behind loss but, sometimes that is really hard to see. Another verse says:
I know she is smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me.

I also know that is true. She is happy and surrounded by loved ones. Her journey here on earth is through and she has made it. I am happy for her even though I miss her terribly. I know that I will be with her again some day and that is what makes us truck on through the sadness.

The two verses that describe my grief are:
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for his love.
There is so much truth is those two verses. There are times my anger is shot straight at God and then I turn and ask or his love. The feelings of grief are so confusing and full of so much raw emotion. Loosing Kamber is the hardest thing I have ever been through and hope it is the hardest never to have to endure this again.

I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father and the tender mercies that he gives our family. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father that loves me and understands me. I am so thankful to know that my loved ones are watching over my sweet Kamber. I know my dad is enjoying having her with him. I am thankful for the special memories I have of Kamber and knowing that she is waiting for me and my family. That will be a WONDERFUL DAY!

The song is on my blog player, click to listen!

Breathing

My sweet Brookie was taken to the doctor yesterday because she was having a hard time breathing and I was sure that the ear infection that she had a week and a half ago was not gone. My good friend got me in at the doctor early and sure enough the ear infections were still there. She also was wheezing up a storm. It was so sad to watch her struggle to breath but through it all she still had a smile on her face. Brookie is such a sweet gentle little girl and always happy.

We did the first breathing treatment on her because her oxygen was low. Then we tested her oxygen level again and it had dropped even lower so the doctor decided we better to another treatment. This treatment lasted about 20 minutes. Brookie was so tired of having the medicine blowing in her face that she fought it for about the first 5 minutes. She then was so exhausted that she finally relaxed and went to sleep for the remainder of the treatment. This was also a sign that the treatment was working and that she could breath better. Her oxygen level was finally in the safe zone and after a hour and a half we could go home with prescriptions and doing breathing treatment every 3 hours.

I heard Brookie coughing in the night and went in to check on her. I touched her back and she was burning up. I picked her up and she was limp, hot and really struggling to breath. I immediately got her some Motrin, and started the breathing treatment. I was worried about her wondering if I should take her to the hospital. I called the on call doctor and decided that we would just watch her since she was on strong antibiotics and continue the breathing treatments. So many thoughts went through me head. I was so worried,a worry that no doctor could understand that doesn't know my situation. There is a new level of worries that occur after you already loose one child. We know that the reality of loosing another is a true reality. Children are taken even from good people and no matter how much you love your children. I held my baby Brookie and prayed to my Heavenly Father. I thanked him for all the blessings in my life and then asked him to help Brookie breath and get better. I told him that I have been having a hard time trusting him again and that I am not totally sure that he wouldn't take one of my children again. But if at some point that was to happen that he was going to have to help me because I can barely endure loosing Kamber. I told him that I love him even though at times I am scared but that I am trying to find my way back to full trust in him. Part of me was torn apart on july 25th, part of me was lost. I too just as Brookie am trying to breath each day.

I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and understands me. He doesn't judge me for how I feel. He knows I will make a full recovery but that it will take time. As long as I am always reaching out to him I will be okay.

Last night I made a bed on the ground in Brookie and Kambers room so I could hear Brookie breath at night. It didn't matter that the ground was hard I just wanted to be there. I laid listening to her breath remembering the memories of Kamber in that room and loving the memories that are developing with Brookie. There is so much happiness in our family with our sweet girls and I am grateful for each and everyone of them. Though Kamber is gone we can feel her love and presence and what a special blessing it is to have her watching over us.

Why My Mom Lies

Ask my Mom how she is

My mom, she tells a lot of lies

she never did before

but from now until she dies

she'll tell a whole lot more

Ask my mom how she is

and because she cannot explain

she will tell a little lie

Because she cannot describe the pain

Ask my mom how she is

She'll say 'I'm alright'

if that's the truth

then tell me why does she cry each night

Ask my mom how she is

she seems to cope so well

she didn't have a choice you see

Nor the strength to yell

Ask my mom how she is

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping"

For God's sake mom just tell the truth

Just say your heart is broken

She'll love me all her life

I loved her all of mine

But if you ask her how she is

She'll lie and say I'm fine

I am here in heaven

I cannot hug from here

If she lies - don't listen

Hug her and hold her near

On the day we meet again

We'll smile and I'll be bold

I'll say your're lucky to get in here mom,

With all the lies you told.

Washing the Car

Yesterday I went out in the afternoon to wash my dirty car. It was long over due. I use to always take my car down to the car wash and just pay the $20 for some one else to do all the car work. I have a suburban so washing the car is not a fast easy task. These days this job has taken on new meaning and has become something that I enjoy doing.

This is my story behind washing my own car.

On the beautiful summer morning of July 25th my sweet daughter Kamber came and woke me up bright and early. That was okay with me because I had lots I needed to do before my husband and I left out of town late that afternoon. I never choose to wash my car myself but knowing that my mom was coming to stay at our house with the kids I knew she would probably like to use my car and it would be nice to use a clean car. Brookie was sleeping and Tayler and Kylie were watching cartoons. I knew I couldn't leave Kamber in the house to wonder because that would just be trouble waiting to happen. So I chose to take her out with me to wash the car. We got our bucket of soapy water and our towels to dry off the car. I started and Kamber found my keys and decided to dunk them in the bucket of water and with excitement in her voice yelled out "Lookie Mama I wash keys!" I wasn't to happy about it because I have a remote clicker on my keys and worried that it would ruin them. I took the keys from her and told her not to put them in the water again. As soon as I turned my back the keys were back in the water and I heard "Lookie Mama I wash keys!" I took them from her once again and said not to put the keys in the water. This time she waited a couple of minutes before I heard her again. This time I just didn't care, she was having fun. Then she came over and washed the part of the car I had already cleaned and rinsed off, but I didn't care. Then she drug my clean towels through the muddy water and on to the clean part of the car to help me dry but I didn't care. She was having fun and I was loving just spending time with her. She was a big helper and I loved spending that one on one time with her that day. There was something special and sweet about that day and her, something I noticed and enjoyed and the day seemed to revolve around her. It was wonderful. Little did I know Heavenly Father was planting one more memory for me to have of my sweet girl soon to be taken back to her heavenly home later that day.

We had many more things we did that day and memories her sisters will always remember. I am grateful for not letting time get in the way that day and just enjoyed my girls. I am grateful that I washed my car that day and this is why I continue to do so.

I enjoyed my time by myself yesterday washing my car remembering my sweet Kamber.

Hospitals and Peace?

I have spent a lot of time at Hospitals this week. I wasn't there for my self but for my husband. On Tuesday he had his gallbladder surgery. We were called in a hour and a half earlier than we were scheduled to check in but didn't have his surgery till an hour after his original surgery time. Needless to say I spent literally all day at the hospital. Ethan did really well during his surgery and we came home happy to see our beds. The girls had a wonderful time over and their cousins playing.

Things were going pretty good till last night. Ethan woke me up at 2:30 in the morning in a soaking wet sweat and doubled over in pain. He threw back and forth the idea of going to the E.R. and when the pain got worse that is where we were headed. My mom came out and stayed with the girls so I could go and be with Ethan. Thanks Mom. We spent 7 hours down at the E.R. and now are home. Yeah! Don't worry about Ethan he is doing much better and I am sure will continue to do so.

Here is the thing. We of course went to the closest Hospital to us because of how Ethan was feeling and that hospital happens to be where Kamber died. Yep, I drove the same route that we drove that sad day, walked through the same E.R and experienced the same smells of that horrible day. I definitely had anxiety. Deep breaths is what I kept telling myself. I think what might have been my saving grace is that they are remodeling the hospital so it did look a little different. I couldn't see the room where Kamber was and don't even know if that room is there anymore. I couldn't help but but have memories of that day running through my mind. But one thing that stuck out to me the most was within all the havoc and sadness of that day I remembered the peace I felt along with it. Though I was watching my daughter die and my world had been shattered there was a mild peace behind it all and what I can gather is that the peace is the knowledge that I will be with her again. Now, that doesn't take away the pain of loosing her. It doesn't take away the anger I feel from time to time. I doesn't mean I don't long to hold her and kiss her little cheeks, tell her I love you and hear her say it back. I doesn't take away all those things I miss or make life easier with out her. I still at times question what I really believe but it doesn't take long to turn that thinking around again.

So today I am thankful the remembrance of the peace behind the loss and the knowledge that I will be with Kamber again with my family as a full family unit never to be broken again.

Finding My Way

This life is so full of ups and downs. I find myself riding this roller coaster at a pretty fast pace. After a few weeks of pure sadness I am seeing some light today. I have had times that I have thought that I have accepted what has happened and then out of no where it is shot down. My anger seems to come and go. It has been more present here lately and I am constantly trying to move past those feelings. But at the same time I feel that it is only healthy to let myself just feel, feel all the emotions that grief has to give in hopes that some day I can heal. I am grateful for family and friends that allow me to express my feelings and try to understand. I am grateful for my angel friends that listen and allow a soft place to fall when ever it is needed. I am so thankful for a husband that lifts me up and is an example to me of what a true kind heart is. I am thankful for each one of my girls and their love they show me and others. There is nothing better than a family and I am so grateful for mine and that we are an eternal family. I love my angel child and I am grateful to feel her presence often. I am also grateful for my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me so that I can be with my family for eternity.

It Makes It Sooo Final... Kamber's Headstone

On Tuesday we got the call that Kamber's headstone had been set on Tuesday afternoon. Ethan and I couldn't wait to see how it turned out. We had know what we wanted and hoped it was as wonderful as we hoped it would be. So many emotions were running through my head. The day that we were told that the headstone was done I just broke down. It had been a while since I had cried that hard. I felt as if my body was going into convulsions. It made it all to real, to final. Why, Why, Why? I don't want this trial! Nobody should have to bury their child and try to pick out the perfect headstone because nothing will be ever good enough. Nothing will ever truly show how beautiful and wonderful she is and that the world was truly better with her in it! Oh, how hard this life can be.

So needless to say I was scared, scared of my emotions, scared of what I would see. Would I be okay with it or would it send me into a downward spiral that I try so hard not to get in to. I went and picked out some flowers. Daisies, that is what I wanted and they were perfect. White on the outside to represent how pure Kamber is and yellow on the inside and reflect how vibrant and full of life she is. And the daisy as a whole is beautiful to look at just like Kamber. As I approached the headstone with my family all gathered around and watching me as I walked up my heart was pumping. I walked up and laid flowers down and started at the beautiful headstone that represented my daughter that body lays there. It was beautiful, just how Ethan and I wanted it to look. Yes, it makes it real and seem so final but it is nice to have something for her. I am sad because that is the last thing that I can do for my little girl. I feel as though there is nothing else I can give her or do for her. My duty as her mom seems so empty and I long to do things for her. I love and miss her just as her daddy and sisters.


Our family around Kambers Headstone.

Ethan and I.

Buddies!

This is a picture of my Kylie bear and Kamber. Kylie got to spend the most time with Kamber since Kylie went to half day young learners last year. Kylie was the closest in age to Kamber and she loved to play with her. You usually would find Kamber if you found Kylie. Kylie's room was always a mess and Kylie would claim it was because of Kamber, which I am sure she did help to make the mess; but with Kamber gone Kylie's room really hasn't been that much cleaner!

Kylie seems to be struggling the most with the loss of Kamber and it breaks my heart. Today my husbands secretary who's name is Amber came to the house. I walked out to the garage to tell Ethan that Amber was here and Kylie was behind me and said " Mommy is Kamber's here?!" Her eyes lit up and she had a look of excitement on her face as if waiting for me to say "Yes! She is right here." Oh how I wish that could have been my response for her. My heart broke once again to have to say " no, not Kamber." I wonder if in the little head of Kylie's that she thinks that Kamber will some day walk through our door and things will be back to normal. Or maybe she holds on the the faith that she will some day see her again, Some day...

Which is the truth, One Day... One Wonderful Day We Will See Kamber Again!

As a Child

This weekend we went quad riding as a family with some friends. My girls love to explore and ride on the quads with daddy. It was fun to have a big group of us out for the day enjoying the nice weather. We went down to Sycamore Creek for our day of fun. I found a new love, my husbands Banshee that he has done some modifications to so it will go faster than it was made to run. I have always had a little fear of this quad since it was the one that Ethan and I were thrown off of when we were dating just before we got married.

I decided it would be fun if my friends and I went for a drive on the quads just ourselves. My friend Amy rode her quad that is an automatic hunting quad that can go over anything. My friend Valerie got our Raptor that is fast but not as scary as the Banshee and my husband chose the Banshee for me since I have a little more experience riding quads than my friends. I was scared to death but didn't want anyone to know. I hopped on the quad and started it up and drove as safe as I could down to the open area of the creek. My friends came down and took off leaving me in their dust. My competitive side kicked in and thought "Oh no you didn't." I threw that quad into first gear and peeled out. It scared me at first to feel the power and it went faster than I was ready for it to go but then something inside me loved it. First, second, third, top of third okay maybe that was fast enough since I didn't know the trail all that well. As the day went on I rode that quad as much as I could. I found myself as a child again. I found water and splashed through it and couldn't seem to get enough of it. Normally I wouldn't want to get wet from head to toe but I didn't care that day. We had so much fun. My girls were playing together with their friends and they were so happy. I found myself thinking of Kamber and the fun she would have had. She had a love or life I have never seen before. I found myself feeling some of the spirit that she had. It didn't matter how dirty we got, we were having fun and enjoying each other.

After days of being depressed and sad I needed a weekend to just enjoy my family and friends and just let loose. It is amazing how fun life can be through the eyes of a child.

Brighter Days, Till...

The past couple of days have been brighter! I look forward to days that I can get out of bed and do my daily routine and feel some sort of hope. Today was one of those days till... I was going through one of my cupboards and saw the container that I have a piece of Kamber's hair in. At the hospital I braided a piece of Kamber's beautiful blond hair and cut off a piece to have. I don't touch it all that often because it is the only tangible thing that is truly her. I can still smell her in her hair but it is mostly the way she smelt that last day I saw her alive and then held her lifeless body in my arms.

Today seeing and holding her hair triggered something in me. I held it tight and then put it down telling Heavenly Father that "Today I am Angry. " "I am angry that Kamber had to go!" I could feel the anger throughout my body and then I could feel my body slump over. Why, Why do I feel this way? Why do I have to endure? I don't want just memories of my sweet daughter, I want her here. I MISS HER.

I understand the plan but yet I don't. I love the memories but yet I don't. I want time to fly by but yet I don't. This road I travel is lonely and ugly. I miss my sweet little girl.

I send love and hugs to all those who have lost a child. The pain is great but in the end our pain is promised the be reciprocated one hundred fold.

Accepting

Do you ever get to the point in grief that you actually accept the loss? I have felt that lately I have done pretty good. I felt that I have been accepting that Kamber is gone and looking forward to the day that I get to see her again. Just when you think that all is okay a wave comes and takes you down. I woke up this morning feeling sick but not because I am physically sick right now but that emotionally, spiritually, mentally sick feeling. The longing to see Kamber this morning. It was horrible waking up and knowing I can't just walk into her room and see her. Why does this have to linger every day. This is not a battle I want to trudge through, some day s I want to just give up and not get out of bed. Do I really have to face this reality day after day? The answer is always, YES.

It is so exhausting to feel okay some days and then angry other days. It is not mind over matter, it is what it is and it is HARD. I do know that I will be with Kamber again and I know that she does come around us and those times are wonderful. But I am human and it is hard not to have her physically here. Time goes on and this day will soon pass and hopefully tomorrow will bring happier feelings.

The Pieces of my Heart

It is amazing when enduring hard trials there is growth as a person during those times. I have always considered myself a spiritually strong person with a close relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. My faith has been tested from time to time but nothing like the here and now. When Kamber first died I don't think I had ever been more close to my Heavenly Father or my family. I felt the presence of the Holy Ghost like I have never flet before. I felt strong and knew my little girl was being taken care of. After the first couple of weeks the reality started to set in. I realized that Kamber had really died and that I was not waking up from the bad dream, IT WAS MY REALITY. My heart, testimony, and every thing I knew about was shattered into a million pieces. I found myself looking at the pieces that at one time formed what I thought was me and didn't recognize them at all. How could this have happen to my family? My world was spinning. Little by little I have tried to pick up the pieces and I think it is going to take a life time to put them back together. Each piece I am finding is different now, the peices don't look the same and sometimes don't fit the mold so I lay them back down and search for another one. Time doesn't seem to heal, it just takes life in to different feelings and meanings. My testimony has grown and other times I wonder what I truly believe. I always seem to find my way back to the teachings of the gospel and how grateful I am for it. It doesn't take the pain away but it is nice to have it to cling to especially through this sort of trial.

Since Kamber's passing we have had an outflow of people reaching out to us. We had never know the true amount of friends or have never been ones to so freely talk about our beliefs and share our testimony. Ethan and I have had many people ask us about the gospel and it has been great to share it with others. There is always a special spirit when we talk of our testimony of eternal families. We don't only believe that we will see Kamber again but that we will be together as a family unit as we are now. I will still be married to the love of my life and my girls will still be sisters and we will enjoy each other as we do now. That is one of the greatest gifts that Heavenly Father has given us!

I won't ever be grateful for the trial of Kamber dieing but I feel I can be grateful for the things I learn along the path of making my way back to my Heavenly Father. Some days I can't see any good and could care less for things learned and the happiness of other families. But there are many times I can see the sweetness of my Fathers love for me and my family. I see the special spirit that Kamber is and how grateful we are to have her in our family. We did something right for Heavenly Father to trust us with one of his most righteous children and I would endure all this pain over again to have Kamber in our lives and waiting for me when I die, that will be a wonderful day! For now I try to enjoy every minute with my family and pick up the peices to my heart very slowly. I want to make every piece one to remember.

1st Birthday in Heaven

I want to start off by thanking every one that brought over flowers, gifts, cards and took time to say hi and call on the phone to wish Kamber a Happy Birthday. The show of Love and support to our family was amazing. I woke up in the morning to purple balloons on my home and down the neighborhood streets and homes. It was so fun to see all the purple and then a sign was put in our lawn that said " We Love U Larsens!" I was fun to see how much people really did care for us and remembered our sweet Kamber. I spent most the morning answering the phone or answering the door to beautiful flowers for Kamber. My home smells so good thanks to the flowers delivered. I received beautiful gifts that were heart felt and had beautiful meaning behind them that I will keep forever. Thank you to all who had kind words and came to celebrate Kambers Birthday!


Here are some pictures of her big day.

Here was are standing in front of Kambers grave.

The sign in our yard.

Here is Kambers grave decorated with purple flowers, pinwheels, and birthday balloons!

This is the balloon release. We had 45 balloons in purple and pink. There was one white balloon that was Kambers angel balloon. We had little papers tied to the balloon with special messages for Kamber.

Kambers Birthday cake, Tayler and Kylie had the honors of blowing out Kambers candle.

This is a blanket with Kambers picture on it. This blanket is beautiful! Shasta found a way for me to give Kamber hugs any time I want!

Kamber's Birthday!

Happy Birthday Kamber! She would be 3 yrs. old today. We are so happy to have had Kamber in our life for her short time on earth. We know she is with us today and can see all that we are doing to remember her.

We love you sweetheart and hope you have a Happy Birthday!

Scroll down to see some of our favorite pics. of Kamber.


Last Family picture.

Proud big sister. She loved Brookie!

Easter this year.

Turning 2 yrs.

Kamber's 2nd Birthday Party! She was so cute.

Kamber loved to smile like this to make us laugh.

Our snow trip on Kamber's 2nd Birthday. She loved the snow!

Kamber was more interested in the bow from her presents than her gifts.

Kamber's 1st Birthday! We had heart balloons and pink cupcakes. Kamber loved eating her first cupcake.

Best Friends!

Proud Daddy and big sisters!

Kamber was born February 10, 2006. We were so happy to have another cute little girl!

Kamber's Daddy

Let me tell you about Kamber's Daddy. I don't mention him much on the blog and he chooses not to write his feelings. But I don't want him to go unnoticed or be in the background because he is the center of our world. I have always said there is something special between a dad and his daughters. Especially with Ethan and Kamber. Ethan seemed to be Kambers favorite person in the whole world. You could tell that he was wonderful in her eyes! Kamber didn't like it when daddy would leave for work and she always had to give him a hug and kiss before he left and she was the first person at the door when he came home. Ethan always had time to play with the girls no matter how tired he was. He loved teaching Kamber the animal sounds and saying I Love You! Kamber loved to give her daddy big hugs and kisses. Each night Kamber would hop on Ethan's lap and that is where she would fall asleep. You could see Ethan's heart melt each time he would kiss her goodnight and lay her in bed. Ethan loves his little girls and misses Kamber but he clings to the faith that he will be with her again.

Ethan has been our rock through this trial. He has an optimistic personality and trys to look for the good in any situation. Standing 6"5 ft. and with his deep voice he can seem intimidating but he is truly the biggest teddy bear you will ever meet. He has the biggest heart and a love for life. Kamber seemed to get her heart from her daddy. I know Kamber watches over her daddy everyday and she can't wait to be able to throw her arms around his neck once again. Kamber loves her Daddy and we are so grateful to have him in our lives!

Kamber is Here!

This morning I walked outside to throw some things away in the garbage and it felt wonderful outside. I thought to myself "What a beautiful day!" I walked through our gate and looked over towards the pool. We have a big pot of beautiful purple flowers near our pool and the sight was beautiful today. As I looked at the flowers I had an overwhelming feeling of Kambers presence and the thought came to me again, What a Beautiful Day! It was as if I could feel what Kamber was saying. I kept looking over at the flowers to see if I could see her presence but I couldn't. But the feeling of her there was almost overwhelming. I didn't want to walk away but I knew I needed to get inside so I could get my girls ready for school. As I walked back through the gate I took one last look and a second to just feel and thought to myself " I know you are here Kamber and it is a beautiful day."

I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father and daughter that allow me to still feel their presence and that they reassure me that they love me. I know that Heavenly Father knows each one of us individually and he really does want us to be happy. Trials are a part of this life and I know there is a purpose behind them as hard as they might be. We somehow are to learn and grow. I hope I am doing just that so I can stand before him some day and say that I endured well. I did my best to learn and Kamber's life wasn't lost in vain.

Thank you Kamber for coming to me today and reminding me of the beauty of the simple things in life! I Love You.

Sunday Lessons

I walked into Relief Society and my eyes caught the picture sitting on the table. It was a picture of a new born baby. My first thought was how cute and as I walked closer I could see an oxygen tube in the babies nose. I sat down next to one of my friends and just stared at the picture. I immediately felt anxious thinking about what the lesson might be. I continued to stare at the baby in the picture thinking of the innocence and joy a child brings and how much I love my girls and thought of my angel Kamber. I turned to my friend and said "I don't think I am going to like this lesson because of that picture." She immediately put her arms on my shoulder to comfort me. As the lesson began I noticed myself tuning out as I continued to look at the picture of the sweet baby. I thought to myself that this baby is someones child and I was pretty sure the baby had passed away or had many complications and maybe had a miracle outcome. I started to think what if this baby is a miracle baby and Heavenly Father granted this family the miracle of saving his life so that they can enjoy him on this earth? I thought "oh no. I can't handle hearing about that. What about my miracle? Who saved my daughter from deaths grips? Nobody..." Soon after my sadness and anxiousness my feelings turned to peace as I remembered the comfort I felt as Kamber passed away, we knew in our heart that she was gone and in the prayer said by my husband before Kamber was transported to the hospital was that Kamber would be okay and we knew what the outcome and answer was. She was okay in our Heavenly Fathers arms.
Soon after the teacher started telling her story of her grandson Brookie started screaming. Maybe this was a blessing for me not to hear the details of the short life of this baby. I am glad that I could feel some peace at this time about that little boy and my Kamber knowing where they are and how special they are. Feeling peace doesn't take the pain away behind the loss but it does help us to endure.

Dear Kamber

Last night I was having a hard time expressing how I felt to Ethan. I wasn't angry but I was upset. I missed Kamber so much. I was really sad but I guess was accepting the fact that she is gone. My heart just ached so I decided to write Kamber a letter to tell her how I felt.

Dear Kamber,
I miss you so much tonight. I have been fighting back the tears and somehow I just can't let them flow. I miss seeing you play with your sisters. Today Brookie is wearing one of your outfits that Tristyn gave you for Christmas when you were little. Brookie is getting so big and I know you would have so much fun playing with her. She squints her nose just like you use to. It is so fun to see part of you in her.

I was staring at one of your pictures tonight and I was thinking about how beautiful you are. Your eyebrows are perfectly shaped. You have beautiful big blue eyes that remind me of Grandpa Leonard. You have the cutest straight teeth with big luscious lips that when you smile it lights up your whole face. I love your blonde hair and I miss the smell and touch of it. I miss seeing your cute little legs sticking out of your shorts and especially when you would wear a night gown. But most of all I miss your hugs, kisses, and hearing you say "I Love You!" You were my world and you brought so much excitement and love to our family. It is almost like I can't believe you are really gone. I never thought this would be a part of my life. I never thought I would lose one of my beautiful daughters. I don't understand it. Really, Why did you have to go? I would have taught you well and you would have never lacked being loved. I would have done a good job taking care of you and trying my best to make you happy. I know you are in heaven and it is a special place but, I would have done my best to make here in our home special too.

I guess I am realizing that we have no say when we return to our Heavenly home. For some reason you were to return leaving us after only 2 1/2 years. What I can gather is that you are to special and pure for this wicked world. We knew before you were born that you were special, you have a light about you that was captivating. I feel lucky to have been chosen to be your mom. I have so much still to learn and I will do my best to learn well so I can have a chance to raise you again some day.

I just want you to know how much I love and miss you. Your daddy and sisters love and miss you so much. You are always in our prayers and we hope that you are having a wonderful time surrounded by people that love you. I will love you always my sweet Kamber.

Love your Mommy!

6 Months

Today marks 6 months since our sweet Kamber passed away. It is interesting how your body just knows. Ethan and I couldn't help but wake up this morning with a sadness in our hearts and a longing to see Kamber running into our room as she did every morning. You don't know what we would have given to hear her sweet voice and see her beautiful smiling face! I didn't want to go to church today but somehow I mustered up the courage and took my girls and left Ethan at home with our sick baby Brookie. I found myself avoiding Sunday School and talking with a good friend of mine about life. Relief Society was good but made me nervous as the lesson started. I didn't want a lesson I would cry through, specially not today. I made it through and now I am safe in my home free to let my feelings out as I need.

Six months, has it really been that long and yet not long at all. It feels like eternity since I have seen Kamber.We just miss her today.

We love You Kamber!

Write A Book ?

I have been told by many that maybe I should write a book. My response is always " Your funny." My husband told me today that as he was showering and he was thinking that maybe I should write a book on my experiences about Kamber. I was totally shocked that my husband thought the same that others had felt and a thought that had passed through my mind but one that I have always put aside. I know that I don't have the best grammar or spelling and maybe sometimes the way I word things don't make sense but, I write how I feel at the time and the way I would talk to someone if they were standing right in front of me.

I have had some really neat experiences and many that I do not post on the blog but, I always record them. I have been told that I am very real and raw about my emotions on the blog and that many people feel it is refreshing. This is not how I have always been throughout my life but something has changed in me and hopefully it is for the better. I don't want to sugar coat my life because Life is Hard. People tend to understand the loss of a mother, father, grandparents and etc. but I have noticed there seems to be no understanding behind the loss of a child. It is actually something that people would rather not even have to think about. Life is different after you lose a child in a very dramatic way. Sad to say but you are treated different. There is a shift in your life and in the life of your family, one that you would rather not have but it is there without any warning.

I have read some books on grief and haven't found any that are really real about the grief of a mother. I would like something that tells of the dark side and then tells of the most uplifting and glorious experiences that Heavenly Father allows a mother to experience. The blessings and the hardships of a loss that cannot even be explained. To others that read they get only a little glimpse to the heart ache but, to the families that have endured this loss it is a validation of their feelings. This would be the purpose of a book, to help others. This is just a thought and I kind of feel retarded even mentioning it but, the subject has come up many times. Anyways, this post is just to get some feed back. What do you think?

A Mind Is A Powerful Thing

Last night I had a bad dream. I don't remember any pictures or necessarily any details but I have figured out what the dream was about. In my dream I was running and screaming, the exact scream I had when I found Kamber. I felt the rush of energy and panic that I felt that day. I also felt the shock and numbness that over come my body when the doctors told me that there is nothing else they can do and realizing that Kamber is really gone. I can remember the feeling of realizing that I really have no control over what happens to my children and that it doesn't matter how good of a parent you are or how much you love your child and do good things that bad things happen. There was also the realization that how much I know and believe in the plan of salvation it doesn't make all the heart ache go away and instantly mend your heart. At the end of the dream it took my breath away as I realized that Kamber has really died and yes this is my reality in my dream and when I wake. I was thankful that last night I didn't have to see the pictures along with the feelings and emotions but, as I woke I knew my mind already knew the pictures that go with the story. What a blessing it was to just feel those feelings and not have the pictures playing out at the same time as hard as it was to feel. I think that Heavenly Father knew if that had happened it would have sent my back into a spiral downward. Heavenly Father can't protect us from everything but, he can give us little tender mercies to help us stay balanced.

San Diego

The day after Christmas we went to San Diego for a much needed break from reality. We met our friends the McNeil's and the Nash's for a weekend of fun. Here was one of our favorite spots. We went to Sea Port Village and saw the aircraft carriers. These boats are huge! We were going to do a tour but it is expensive and there were a lot of stairs and with our chunk a bunka Brookie it would have been hard. We had a lot o fun on this trip. We missed Kamber and knew she would have loved all the fun things we did. I will post more on my family blog soon.

This was our first Christmas party for the season. Family Tradition on Ethan's side of the family is to meet with the Greer side of the family and eat yummy green chili burros, good desserts, sing songs, do a nativity with all the kids and read the book Turkey Trot. I was a little nervous about going not knowing how I would feel but it did okay. Each year they have someone in each family introduce their family because there are always new member due to new children being born. This year I fought back the tears as my family was introduced and one member was missing. It was hard not to hear Kambers name and seeing her run around with all the other cousins. Then we sing the twelve days of Christmas and each month represents each day. So all the January birthdays sing the first day, February birthdays sing the second day etc. Well, Kamber being a February birthday again one person was missing, not that she could sing but she was missing. The party continued on and we made it through, I know she was with us in spirit and I am grateful for that. The above picture is Brookie playing the baby Jesus, Tayler was Mary, and Kylie in the background as an angel. How perfect was it for Kylie to play the angel, last year that is the part that Kamber played.

The Pool Picture

I don't think I have spoken about the significance of the picture I have on the blog. Why would I have a picture of Kamber in the pool when that is what took her life? I worried about other people might think when I had this picture among many at the funeral and wondered what thoughts would go through people head as it was put as the header for my Kamber blog. Then I decided I don't care what people think, this picture is very special to me and my family.

A couple of months before Kamber died we went as a family to Las Vegas. This was a yearly tradition that was started by my brother and sister in law and his family. They go each year for my bro. in laws dads convention and they have invited us to go with the past few years. I was reluctant to go the first year not liking what Las Vegas had to offer but, it has turned into one of our families favorite vacations. Not every thing is bad there and it is what you choose to do that can be bad or good. Our time there is spent swimming in the huge pools and playing in the waterfalls during the day with a nice nap in the middle from being exhausted chasing kids from one pool to the next. We love to take the kids to the adventure dome at Circus Circus and let them ride the rides. The Stratosphere is always fun for the kids to feel they are on top of the world. The knight show at Excalibur is a fun dinner and show for the kids, and some nights are fun just hanging out in the hotel room and ordering room service. This vacation is always fun and relaxing doing what ever we want. But our favorite part is the pool during the day. I don't know a kid who doesn't like to be in the water. Our Kamber was a little fish! During this last vacation Kamber would jump in the pool head first with her floaties on out to Uncle BJ. She had no fear! She of course wouldn't go very far under the water because her floaties wouldn't allow her to but, she loved it and would hop out and do it over and over again. This made the lifeguards nervous and one came over and told us that she had to stop jumping in unless she would jump feet first. Well being two she didn't like being told no and continued a couple more times and then gave up. It was after that she swam over to me and sat on the steps. I thought she looked so cute so I grabbed my camera to take a picture. At first she didn't want me to take her picture and then it became a game. Finally she sat still enough and gave me a silly grin. I had forgotten about this picture till after she died and we were finding pictures we wanted framed for the funeral. This one showed up and tears just flowed from Ethan and my eyes. There was the perfect picture to treasure for always. It captures her beauty, personality and her favorite thing to do in the whole world. The very thing that made her so happy and the very thing that took her life. This picture is perfect and will always have a special spot in our home. It is constant reminder of the fun we had as a family and to continue to try and enjoy life as Kamber did.

Return to Kamber.

Every time I sign out of my Kamber blog the next screen that pulls up says Return to Kamber. Each time I think in my head if you only knew how much I wish to Return to Kamber. I think it is interesting that the screen says that but, I kind of like it. It reminds me each day to try hard and always strive to be a better person so that I can Return to Kamber. I am learning many lessons through this trial and one is that I don't have to be perfect and Heavenly Father doesn't expect that from me. As long as I am doing the best I can at the time then Heavenly Father will make up the rest. He understands my feelings and how hard this trial is for me. He must know that some how I will find a way to endure it and make it back to him and Kamber.

Having to endure the loss of Kamber puts new meaning on the thought I would do anything for my children. I can honestly say yes. I would lose having Kamber here for a long life on earth with me to guarantee her Celestial life in Heaven. We as a family were willing to take on this challenge just to have her be a part of our family. It is a blessing to have such a special child, though the challenge of the trial at times seems unbearable. You see, sometimes I can see the big picture and often the natural man steps in and puts blinders on and I can only see what is being handed to me at the time. It is an up and down roller coaster and moving to the top is very steep and can take a long time to reach. Just like a roller coaster getting to the bottom only takes seconds.

I am grateful for my Kamber blog that I can write my feelings and have an outlet for some of my pain. I am thankful to have something that I can pass down to family members for them to read and maybe it will be something that can show strength and growth amidst my trials.

I LOVE YOU TOO!

Okay so truth be told I have been struggling a lot the past few months. My emotions are so mixed and life is just hard and that is an understatement. One strong emotion I have had is that I have been mad at the whole situation of Kamber being gone and if I were to blame anyone for her death it would be me and I guess Heavenly Father for not letting me know Kamber was in danger so I could save her. There are so many people that get promptings and are able to save people and I felt nothing. For the first time in my life I haven't truly known what I believe anymore. I know what my heart tells me but, my mind doesn't want to believe it. I felt as if I have been standing alone with no help, I have felt nothing. My mind has just been spinning round and round. I have found myself just wanting to give up and not have to worry about anything anymore.

I was talking to Candi last night about how I have really felt and she just listened and validated my feelings. She didn't try to preach to me or worry if I was loosing my testimony. She didn't run to her scriptures and find a verse to try and make it better, nor did she ask me if I was saying my prayers, going to church, the temple, reading my scriptures, having family home evening, and trying to be perfect in every way. She just listened and made me feel that it is okay to have hard times, it is okay not to be perfect in everything you do. Heavenly Father knows when you are doing the best you can at the time. All of my family tells me I am doing so good, but I don't let people see me on my hard days but, here lately I haven't been able to control it as well. I have thought that if people saw the hard times then it would mean I am weak and maybe I really can't endure this trial. The biggest thing about not wanting people to see me cry is that people tend to stare. It is different when it is family watching you cry because I can see the pain and understanding in their eyes, they feel it to. But people I don't know that well, I don't like to let my emotions out. That is part of why church is so hard for me right now. I know the members in my ward will understand but I just don't like it and the lessons don't always make me feel better, many times I leave worse than I was before I got there. This has nothing to do with the teachers, it is just part of my life right now. Trust me I feel the spirit very often but sometimes you don't want to hear all about what you already know, you just want to know that what you are feeling is okay. It is truly okay to be sad about Kamber even though she is in Heaven.

Now that I have rambled I will get back to what I was talking to Candi about. I told her that I just wished that Heavenly Father would let Kamber come to see me every once in a while and let me maybe talk to her. I have felt like she was taken and I was left to deal and be torchered. These words have also been in my prayers every night and that I was sorry that I felt that way but, deep down I have felt that Heavenly Father understood my feelings. Well, last night he must have heard me and felt that I have suffered enough because Kamber came to me in a dream. I am not going to go into detail about my dream but, I will tell you that she said
"I LUV U!" and hugged me and I told her "I LOVE YOU TOO!" and held her. The entire dream was so real and lasted what seemed like a day, it was a wonderful time with her. I have always wondered if Kamber really knew how much I love her and if she loved me as much as I loved her. Had she forgiven me for not being able to save her? I feel that my questions were answered last night and I now have a stronger testimony of the love that Heavenly Father has for me. He let me have that experience that I so needed to be able to deal a little l0nger even though I had been so angry with him. Trials aren't meant to torcher they are meant for us to learn as hard as it may be on us and for Heavenly Father to have to let us go through them. I am thankful for my experience last night with Kamber.

My little sweetheart "I LUV YOU TOO!"

We Went Out Of Town

We went out of town the day after Christmas to California. It was great! I didn't have to think of anything other than what we were doing for the day. Once my computer is fixed I will post pictures of our vacation. I am noticing it is hard to come home. I am back surrounded by all the reminders of what is missing. I don't feel Kamber as often and I wonder if that is just how it will be as time goes on. I am noticing that I hate this house and love it all at the same time. I hate that every where I look I see reminders of her,every where and some days it is more than I can handle and other days it makes me happy. But, I can't imagine living any where else right now. This is the place with the last memories of Kamber. Christmas was Kambers 5 month mark, wasn't that nice little spin to add to the day? It wasn't all horrible though, it made it bitter- sweet.
As a mom having to deal with this sort of loss 5 months out does not make things any better and no it is not enough time to get over the fact that my daughter is gone.

While we were on vacation someone asked my husband the dreaded question with all of us standing right there. So you have 3 beautiful girls? My husband hesitated and then popped out actually we have 4 daughters, my 2 year old passed away a few months ago. Her mouth dropped and I could see the sadness in her eyes as she turned to me and asked How do you get over that? My response was You don't. She shook her head as though she was agreeing with me.

That is it YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T! You find ways to deal with it everyday and some days you deal with it better than others but you don't ever get over it.
So now I am back to reality and plugging along because vacations are not realities,this here at home is. Some days that reality is really, really good and those are days that I can pull myself together and really enjoy my family.

Happy New Year!

It is a new year and hopefully will be filled with fun and exciting moments just waiting to be memories for years to come. 2008 is the year that definitely has changed mine and my families life forever. What a jam packed year of ups and downs, some memories so fun and exciting (Brookie being born and fun vacations!) and others memories that have brought the most sadness I have ever endured. (the loss of Kamber) The year also brought lots of growth spiritually and of course physically since we are another year older and closer to 30. Would I change last year, I don't really know. I don't regret how much time we spent together as a family, I did have Kamber in my life for a short time and that last 7 months with her probably was the most fun, and we developed lots of beautiful memories in those last 7 months. Do I wish she never died, of course I do but would I bring her back now that she is with our Heavenly Father and in a perfect place, no way. I would sacrifice it all again just to have had her with us for that short time.

We are learning and growing every day and I am sure 2009 is going to be a struggle for us in every aspect but I know there will be lots of growth and learning that will come with this new year and new trial. We hope every one has a great new year to come.

Starting this new year I may not post everyday, I will post as often as I feel the need as I move through the emotions of loosing my sweet Kamber.
A Christmas post will be coming soon, when I feel that I can handle diving back into that emotional day.

Lots of Love,
Jen